It was an hour past the end of my shift, I tried to leave several times, but just kept going back. Something drew me back to his room. Torn between what I know I need to do and what I know my family needs me to do. Four little boys and an exhausted lonely husband don't usually understand why I can't walk out the ICU doors at the end of my shift and come home to them on time.
I said goodnight as I held his hand. I didn't pretend that everything was OK. I'm getting more comfortable with silence and the role it plays prior to an impending death. Tonight I let the silent moments lead our conversation and it finally feels right, not awkward, not uncomfortable. Maybe I'm becoming a nurse. I like when the situations I read about in the nursing texts actually materialize in front of my eyes. I stroked his forehead with the thumb of one gloved hand. He begged me to call his wife and tell her how much he loved her and how much he has enjoyed his 63 years with her. I promised him I would. As I turned to go, he called me back to his bedside. Don't call her tonight, wait till the morning. If you call her now, she'll try to drive here and she doesn't see well in the dark and she gets confused. It's not safe.
He would rather die alone than put his wife at any risk. That's true selflessness, putting your spouses needs in front of your own even in your very last hour.
It was my bedtime hours ago, but I can't sleep. So I will say a prayer for him and his wife and wonder if we'll have an empty bed in the morning and dare to dream that maybe just maybe I'll walk into his room in the morning and stroke his forehead with my thumb and say Good Morning.
Good Night
God bless you...and all of the amazing ICU and NICU and PICU nurses out there. When my daughter gave everyone the scare of their life following one of her surgeries, we wound up with a lengthy stay in the PICU.....my time on that floor changed me forever. I have nothing but respect for you ladies who give your hearts everyday caring for the very sick.
ReplyDeleteThank you