Blog Vomit

I had a meltdown today.  It's been awhile.  I can take it and carry it and give and give and give and then once in awhile a little crack starts in my I can do anything shell and that crack grows and grows and suddenly I'm crying and vulnerable and overwhelmed beyond belief.  That was this morning at a random stop light.

Scott and I parted ways in the dark driveway this morning after an extensive conversation about the roaches he saw in the garage this morning.  He feels like the mere fact that a family of roaches has made there home in our garage is unacceptable and a clear sign that we have let go of all cleanliness.  I'm willing to look the other way and acknowledge that we have moved to Fl and produce alot of garbage and roaches just happen sometimes.  At this point I'm not really willing to let roaches make my list of top ten priorities.  Probably not even top fifty.  Sorry.

I left with the van full of sleeping boys heading for the bustop and Scott left early heading for the terminal to work.  We carried on with the roach discussion via cell phone.  Roaches lead to dirty dishes which lead to a broken toilet which lead to a backyard that needed lots of maintenance  and many other topics that irritate me and make me feel guilty for not addressing.  He's venting and trying to get me to see it his way, he just can't think when the house is a mess.  I'm feeling guilty and torn.  I'm so burnt out with the endless school, work cycle that I come home exhausted and all I can think about is my bed.  I can write my case study or scrub the kitchen floor.  Sorry, case studies win.  I'll take an F in kitchen floor cleaning, but failing my nursing classes is just not an option.  So we carried on with this heated discussion while we drove side by side without looking at each other over the bridge. 

I arrived at the bus stop and realize that the back packs were missing.  We have the homework which still isn't completed, but the backpacks are missing.  We had basketball last night and the boys both fell asleep doing homework last night.  Now Gavin is crying because his WWE wrestling Figure Kane has been colored on with permanent marker.  Tommy is crying because he wants me to put new shoe laces in his shoes (his original laces are slippery and come undone all day long).  I bought some yesterday but he took them in the backseat and made a spider web involving lots of knots.  I convinced Gavin to stop crying about Kane and explained that certain emergencies have to wait until after school.  He wasn't satisfied but after sharpening a pencil in my eyeliner sharpener, I convinced him to start his homework.  I climbed through the back door and attempted to untangle the spider web of shoelaces.  I got one loose and put it in a safe spot while I untied the other one from Petey's car seat.  I quickly re threaded the new shoelace into his right shoe.  Then I looked for the left one, apparently I put it in a very safe place because I never was able to find it.  After answering a few questions about rounding to the nearest ten thousand, I realized Tommy was only wearing his undershirt and missing his mandatory collared polo shirt.  One good thing about a messy vehicle is that emergency and back up supplies are often hidden under seats and in the back.  After a little rummaging around using my nursing school pen light (the dome lights don't work) I located several shirt choices.  One wrinkled and stiff, one with some pizza sauce and a pizza crust stuck to it and one with a little white frosting on the front.  I chose the white frosting shirt and scraped most of it off with my fingernail.  On the positive side, I did find my missing crock pot while digging around.  Gavin proclaimed that if you showed up to school without a backpack you had to sit in the principal's office all day.  I knew this couldn't possible be true but Gavin had Tommy in tears so I had to start digging for make shift backpacks.  I found a tiny backpack that Tommy had used in VPK.  It was adorned with a cartoon bear and was obviously designed for toddlers, toddlers with moms who have very feminine taste.  His school binder hardly fit inside.  He told me it looked like a baby backpack and it took a little convincing to get him to wear it.  Next, I had to find one for panicky Gavin.  We had no time to spare, the bus was due any minute.  The next thing I knew, another bus stop child was tugging on my scrub top.

Chatty bus stop girl:  Want to see my new Hello Kitty key chain?
Chatty bus stop girl:  I named him Luke.
Chatty bus stop girl:  I actually named him Luke Junior.
Chatty bus stop girl:  Well do you like it?
Etc, Etc, Etc.....

She asked question after question and really never waited for any answers.  I never really answered her, she just kept talking and talking and talking.  I don't have time to look at your stupid key chain, I'm in crisis mode right now so I need you to go over and wait with your own mom (stay home mom at that) who doesn't have three other children and a missing shoelace and some crying boys and missing backpacks and homework that's not done.  I need you and your stupid key chain to step away while I sort this out. 

Me:  I love your key chain, I really like cats. 

I went back to my frantic searching hoping she'd go away.  She didn't she just kept talking and talking and talking and demanding more of my time.  Chatty Kathy soon announced that her mom said she could wait with me and cross the road with me.  Thanks alot!  I guess I didn't look like I was busy enough, just let me babysit your child, I don't have anything else to do.  I finally uncovered a camouflage purse.  I hesitated, then held it up and throw Gavin a questioning look.  He agreed.  I almost hoped he would just agree to go without anything.  A purse... no really, a purse.  He seemed content when he threw it over his shoulder.  I'm not gonna lie, a rainbow T shirt would have really completed the look.  As soon as I was relatively satisfied, we got ready to cross the street. 

Chatty bus stop girl:  My mom says you're not a stranger, you're a safe mom.  She says I can cross the street with you anytime.  You're a good mom.

We arrive at the group of children on the other side of the street and a third grader promptly points out Tommy's baby back pack.  I envisioned myself throwing rude third grader and Chatty's backpacks into the pond across the street for adding more stress to my morning.  Alas, the bus pulled up and I kissed the powder puff and the baby goodbye.   

I quickly dropped the two little boys at Miss Tammie's and raced toward clinicals.  I've been warned and now I'm not allowed to be a minute late or I will be dismissed from the nursing program.  This adds a shadow of fear everyday.  After dropping the boys off I can let my guard down and stop pretending I'm OK today.   I'm overwhelmed, frustrated, alone and stressed beyond belief.  I turned on the Christian radio station looking for some inspiration.  It's a plug for the radio station, an upbeat voice comes on and announces, "It's Friday, the end of the work week."  End of the workweek for who?  My blood starts to boil, certainly not for me,  in fact this is just the beginning of my work week and at the end of my work week, it's just more school and then more work and then more school and IT NEVER ENDS.  NEVER A DAY OFF JUST FIVE DAYS OF STUPID SCHOOL AND THEN TWO DAYS OF STUPID WORK AND IT'S JUST ONE BIG STUPID CYCLE!!!! I could feel big alligator tears welling up threatening to spill over.  I punished the current radio station for supporting people with real Monday through Friday jobs by changing to the competitor Christian radio station, maybe they're more compassionate!  The new station's DJ was making a big announcement.  The mother of all marriage seminars is coming to our area, a weekend for a couple on Sanibel Island, a quiet retreat.  Caller twenty wins the rejuvenating romantic weekend.  I thought to myself, this is it, it's meant to be.  I dialed furiously.  Busy, busy, busy.  Congrats to.... Not me.  I didn't win the marriage seminar weekend.  I'm sitting at the stop light and I burst into tears.  It was meant to be, how could I not win (not that I could possible take off anytime if I did win).  I sat there crying, not like they do on TV with no sound just tears rolling down a beautiful actress's face, BIG UGLY SOBBING CRYING.  I wiped my face with the pizza crust polo shirt and felt like someone was watching me.  I glanced over my left shoulder and there staring at me with a strange look on her face was Chatty bus stop girl's mom.  I wanted to roll up my window and hide, but it's in perma-down.  My power window broke last week.  So we waited for the super long traffic light to turn to green, me fighting the tears but losing with big loud sobs and bus stop mom wondering who she just trusted moments earlier with her child. 

I kinda got it together when an inspiring song did come on the radio.  Feeling like you're alone and no one knows what you're going through, GOD is there and he's listening.  OK GOD, you're gonna have to help me get this into perspective.  I know I'm just so overwhelmed now and things will get better and I'm so close, but it's just too much today.  Well, saying that things got put into perspective today was an understatement.  I arrived at clinicals.  By chance I was paired up with a really close friend and she even brought me a liquid lunch (more about this later) and even brought herself the same liquid lunch in support of me.  I am blessed with such caring friends.  In order to build our nursing skills, we were scheduled to work one day at a special needs daycare.  These children had a combination of acute and chronic illnesses, conditions, and diseases.  A child pulled from the bottom of a swimming pool, cerebral palsy, blindness, asthma, seizure disorders, birth defects just to name a few.  These children were so loving and surrounded my so many nurses and care givers that loved them it was awesome.  I rocked a little boy with down's syndrome he was crying and so I soothed him and rocked and sang just like he was one of mine even though he didn't even know me.  His hand slowly crept down the top of my scrub uniform, he stopped crying and smiled as he slowly pulled out one long black shoelace from my bra.  He held onto it until he fell asleep.  It was no coincidence I was placed here today for clinicals.  I thank GOD for my healthy, naughty but healthy boys.  My stressful situation is temporary, parents of these children have a lifetime of overwhelming feelings. 

I checked my phone awhile later and noticed a text from Scott.  It was simple "I love you."  It was so touching to know that he was thinking of me at some point during his day and felt compelled to text me even though he's probably so frustrated with me right now.  Then I came out to my van and found some much needed homework help sitting on my seat, another good friend offering a little support.  On the way home from clinicals I received a phone call from a number  I didn't recognize.  It was yet another friend calling.  She was just calling to offer me support to get through the afternoon and weekend on my liquid diet.  She was genuine and just thought I could use a little boost.  It's funny, because it wasn't even someone I'm super close with so the tought that she was thinking of me this afternoon really meant alot. 

So GOD, I get it.  Even when I feel like this nursing program is too much to tackle with children at home and work and everything else, I'm not alone.  I have a husband that loves me, friends that care, a supportive family and four healthy boys at home. 

Blog vomit, this is what happens when I don't blog for awhile, my emotions get pent up and I have meltdowns.  So if you're on the receiving end of this I apologize for dumping on you.  However, if you're considering strangling any children at the bus stop or making a scene at a stoplight, try to keep it in perspective.  This too shall pass.  You have friends and family who care even if you can't see it right now and GOD has his hand in your situation even if his number one radio station can't seem to pick the right caller.

If you're not in a personal crisis today, look around.  Someone you know might be.  Do something special for them today.  A phone call, an organic shake or an "I love you" text.  You already care about them, so just make sure you show it today.