There's an Alligator Under my Bed

There's an alligator under my bed, a symbolic one anyway.  An alligator under your bed is far more serious than a skeleton in your closet or a monkey on your back.  Alligators are dangerous, can hurt you and even possibly kill you.  They are a pain to deal with everyday and they can influence your quality of life.

My alligator is my wieght. 

I have always prided myself on my accomplishments.  When I set out to do something, it gets done.  When I tell the world or my family I'm gonna do something.  It gets done. 

When I was still in high school, I told my family and friends, I'm gonna marry Scott...
We'll celebrate our ten year anniversary in October...
Check

We are gonna build a log cbin to raise our family in...
Log cabin, built, lived in and sold,
Check...
Family...
Big Check

I think we're gonna move across the country and build a house in sunny FL...
Sunny FL,
Check...
New house,
Check

I gonna become a nurse...
I graduate in November,
Almost Check

Anything I've talked about, given my time and energy to, been passionate about and thrown a little money at seems to turn out the way I wanted it to, it just seems to happen for me.  With everything except...

My weight.

Some of the things in my life that I've conquered and hurdled and created where much larger problems, projects and issues, but this one little corner of my life has got total control and intimidation over me.  I don't really know how I came to this place or what went so wrong.  I'm not even sure an analysis is appropriate.  I am where I am today, because I made bad food choices and I didn't exercise.  Enough said on that. 

I try to keep my blog honest and that is one of the reasons I'm dumping this post on all of you.  I don't believe in blogging about only the good things in my life that make it seem perfect or my children seem like angels.  I probably go too far sometimes (Scott wasn't thrilled that I posted pictures of the messy van). Believe me, I would rather be blogging about my messy van or some other less personal issue.  It is uncomfortable to blog about something I'm insecure about and an area where I've seriously failed in.  I don't like doing that.  It's also dangerous to put myself out there because it is entirely possible that once again I could fail at this endeavor.  The second reason I will be blogging about this new journey is that I believe in self fulfilling prophecy.  It's been a powerful tool in my life. I have seen it work first hand time and time again.  So it is without further adieu that I announce to the world (alright, really just my 34 followers, family, friends, classmates, random creepers and other people who stumble across my blog purely by accident) that I will soon be wrestling this alligator.

I will be having Gastric Band surgery in the very near future.  This is something I've been considering for a few years and really pursuing the last nine months.  I have started my pre surgery diet of liquids only.  It was day three today and I'm doing OK.  I am excited and nervous and scared and ready.  I apologize in advance for those of you who have no interest in my personal weight loss journey, but remember, my blog, my crazy life, you know the drill.  I will now be looking for followers who are interested in raising boys, very amateur photography, nursing and weight loss.  Hmmmm... I think that's about 0.00000000000012 percent of the population.  But again, I believe in thowin everything out there so here it is. 

I am hoping to share some fun photos along the way.  It's no fun to take before photos but I feel it's a necessary evil.  What fun would after and along the way photos be if you had nothing to compare them to? 

Please support me and don't question my decision.  Recently a co worker asked me if I ever heard of weight watchers.  It took everything I had to bite my tongue and not start chewing her arm off just to display my eating problems.  Maybe then she would agree that surgery is the right option.  How many points does weight watchers assign to one medium size human arm?  I guess I'll ask at the next weight watchers meeting.  Yeah, I've heard of weight watchers you idiot.  For some reason, people are just so opinionated when it comes to weight loss surgery.  I really didn't want to tell everyone, but it will be fairly obvious in the coming months and I don't like to lie.  I just need some clever comebacks when people tell me I'm taking the easy way out or I'm crazy.  I'll have to research that a little. 

Please send some prayers my way and I'll keep you updated on this latest journey.

Blog Vomit

I had a meltdown today.  It's been awhile.  I can take it and carry it and give and give and give and then once in awhile a little crack starts in my I can do anything shell and that crack grows and grows and suddenly I'm crying and vulnerable and overwhelmed beyond belief.  That was this morning at a random stop light.

Scott and I parted ways in the dark driveway this morning after an extensive conversation about the roaches he saw in the garage this morning.  He feels like the mere fact that a family of roaches has made there home in our garage is unacceptable and a clear sign that we have let go of all cleanliness.  I'm willing to look the other way and acknowledge that we have moved to Fl and produce alot of garbage and roaches just happen sometimes.  At this point I'm not really willing to let roaches make my list of top ten priorities.  Probably not even top fifty.  Sorry.

I left with the van full of sleeping boys heading for the bustop and Scott left early heading for the terminal to work.  We carried on with the roach discussion via cell phone.  Roaches lead to dirty dishes which lead to a broken toilet which lead to a backyard that needed lots of maintenance  and many other topics that irritate me and make me feel guilty for not addressing.  He's venting and trying to get me to see it his way, he just can't think when the house is a mess.  I'm feeling guilty and torn.  I'm so burnt out with the endless school, work cycle that I come home exhausted and all I can think about is my bed.  I can write my case study or scrub the kitchen floor.  Sorry, case studies win.  I'll take an F in kitchen floor cleaning, but failing my nursing classes is just not an option.  So we carried on with this heated discussion while we drove side by side without looking at each other over the bridge. 

I arrived at the bus stop and realize that the back packs were missing.  We have the homework which still isn't completed, but the backpacks are missing.  We had basketball last night and the boys both fell asleep doing homework last night.  Now Gavin is crying because his WWE wrestling Figure Kane has been colored on with permanent marker.  Tommy is crying because he wants me to put new shoe laces in his shoes (his original laces are slippery and come undone all day long).  I bought some yesterday but he took them in the backseat and made a spider web involving lots of knots.  I convinced Gavin to stop crying about Kane and explained that certain emergencies have to wait until after school.  He wasn't satisfied but after sharpening a pencil in my eyeliner sharpener, I convinced him to start his homework.  I climbed through the back door and attempted to untangle the spider web of shoelaces.  I got one loose and put it in a safe spot while I untied the other one from Petey's car seat.  I quickly re threaded the new shoelace into his right shoe.  Then I looked for the left one, apparently I put it in a very safe place because I never was able to find it.  After answering a few questions about rounding to the nearest ten thousand, I realized Tommy was only wearing his undershirt and missing his mandatory collared polo shirt.  One good thing about a messy vehicle is that emergency and back up supplies are often hidden under seats and in the back.  After a little rummaging around using my nursing school pen light (the dome lights don't work) I located several shirt choices.  One wrinkled and stiff, one with some pizza sauce and a pizza crust stuck to it and one with a little white frosting on the front.  I chose the white frosting shirt and scraped most of it off with my fingernail.  On the positive side, I did find my missing crock pot while digging around.  Gavin proclaimed that if you showed up to school without a backpack you had to sit in the principal's office all day.  I knew this couldn't possible be true but Gavin had Tommy in tears so I had to start digging for make shift backpacks.  I found a tiny backpack that Tommy had used in VPK.  It was adorned with a cartoon bear and was obviously designed for toddlers, toddlers with moms who have very feminine taste.  His school binder hardly fit inside.  He told me it looked like a baby backpack and it took a little convincing to get him to wear it.  Next, I had to find one for panicky Gavin.  We had no time to spare, the bus was due any minute.  The next thing I knew, another bus stop child was tugging on my scrub top.

Chatty bus stop girl:  Want to see my new Hello Kitty key chain?
Chatty bus stop girl:  I named him Luke.
Chatty bus stop girl:  I actually named him Luke Junior.
Chatty bus stop girl:  Well do you like it?
Etc, Etc, Etc.....

She asked question after question and really never waited for any answers.  I never really answered her, she just kept talking and talking and talking.  I don't have time to look at your stupid key chain, I'm in crisis mode right now so I need you to go over and wait with your own mom (stay home mom at that) who doesn't have three other children and a missing shoelace and some crying boys and missing backpacks and homework that's not done.  I need you and your stupid key chain to step away while I sort this out. 

Me:  I love your key chain, I really like cats. 

I went back to my frantic searching hoping she'd go away.  She didn't she just kept talking and talking and talking and demanding more of my time.  Chatty Kathy soon announced that her mom said she could wait with me and cross the road with me.  Thanks alot!  I guess I didn't look like I was busy enough, just let me babysit your child, I don't have anything else to do.  I finally uncovered a camouflage purse.  I hesitated, then held it up and throw Gavin a questioning look.  He agreed.  I almost hoped he would just agree to go without anything.  A purse... no really, a purse.  He seemed content when he threw it over his shoulder.  I'm not gonna lie, a rainbow T shirt would have really completed the look.  As soon as I was relatively satisfied, we got ready to cross the street. 

Chatty bus stop girl:  My mom says you're not a stranger, you're a safe mom.  She says I can cross the street with you anytime.  You're a good mom.

We arrive at the group of children on the other side of the street and a third grader promptly points out Tommy's baby back pack.  I envisioned myself throwing rude third grader and Chatty's backpacks into the pond across the street for adding more stress to my morning.  Alas, the bus pulled up and I kissed the powder puff and the baby goodbye.   

I quickly dropped the two little boys at Miss Tammie's and raced toward clinicals.  I've been warned and now I'm not allowed to be a minute late or I will be dismissed from the nursing program.  This adds a shadow of fear everyday.  After dropping the boys off I can let my guard down and stop pretending I'm OK today.   I'm overwhelmed, frustrated, alone and stressed beyond belief.  I turned on the Christian radio station looking for some inspiration.  It's a plug for the radio station, an upbeat voice comes on and announces, "It's Friday, the end of the work week."  End of the workweek for who?  My blood starts to boil, certainly not for me,  in fact this is just the beginning of my work week and at the end of my work week, it's just more school and then more work and then more school and IT NEVER ENDS.  NEVER A DAY OFF JUST FIVE DAYS OF STUPID SCHOOL AND THEN TWO DAYS OF STUPID WORK AND IT'S JUST ONE BIG STUPID CYCLE!!!! I could feel big alligator tears welling up threatening to spill over.  I punished the current radio station for supporting people with real Monday through Friday jobs by changing to the competitor Christian radio station, maybe they're more compassionate!  The new station's DJ was making a big announcement.  The mother of all marriage seminars is coming to our area, a weekend for a couple on Sanibel Island, a quiet retreat.  Caller twenty wins the rejuvenating romantic weekend.  I thought to myself, this is it, it's meant to be.  I dialed furiously.  Busy, busy, busy.  Congrats to.... Not me.  I didn't win the marriage seminar weekend.  I'm sitting at the stop light and I burst into tears.  It was meant to be, how could I not win (not that I could possible take off anytime if I did win).  I sat there crying, not like they do on TV with no sound just tears rolling down a beautiful actress's face, BIG UGLY SOBBING CRYING.  I wiped my face with the pizza crust polo shirt and felt like someone was watching me.  I glanced over my left shoulder and there staring at me with a strange look on her face was Chatty bus stop girl's mom.  I wanted to roll up my window and hide, but it's in perma-down.  My power window broke last week.  So we waited for the super long traffic light to turn to green, me fighting the tears but losing with big loud sobs and bus stop mom wondering who she just trusted moments earlier with her child. 

I kinda got it together when an inspiring song did come on the radio.  Feeling like you're alone and no one knows what you're going through, GOD is there and he's listening.  OK GOD, you're gonna have to help me get this into perspective.  I know I'm just so overwhelmed now and things will get better and I'm so close, but it's just too much today.  Well, saying that things got put into perspective today was an understatement.  I arrived at clinicals.  By chance I was paired up with a really close friend and she even brought me a liquid lunch (more about this later) and even brought herself the same liquid lunch in support of me.  I am blessed with such caring friends.  In order to build our nursing skills, we were scheduled to work one day at a special needs daycare.  These children had a combination of acute and chronic illnesses, conditions, and diseases.  A child pulled from the bottom of a swimming pool, cerebral palsy, blindness, asthma, seizure disorders, birth defects just to name a few.  These children were so loving and surrounded my so many nurses and care givers that loved them it was awesome.  I rocked a little boy with down's syndrome he was crying and so I soothed him and rocked and sang just like he was one of mine even though he didn't even know me.  His hand slowly crept down the top of my scrub uniform, he stopped crying and smiled as he slowly pulled out one long black shoelace from my bra.  He held onto it until he fell asleep.  It was no coincidence I was placed here today for clinicals.  I thank GOD for my healthy, naughty but healthy boys.  My stressful situation is temporary, parents of these children have a lifetime of overwhelming feelings. 

I checked my phone awhile later and noticed a text from Scott.  It was simple "I love you."  It was so touching to know that he was thinking of me at some point during his day and felt compelled to text me even though he's probably so frustrated with me right now.  Then I came out to my van and found some much needed homework help sitting on my seat, another good friend offering a little support.  On the way home from clinicals I received a phone call from a number  I didn't recognize.  It was yet another friend calling.  She was just calling to offer me support to get through the afternoon and weekend on my liquid diet.  She was genuine and just thought I could use a little boost.  It's funny, because it wasn't even someone I'm super close with so the tought that she was thinking of me this afternoon really meant alot. 

So GOD, I get it.  Even when I feel like this nursing program is too much to tackle with children at home and work and everything else, I'm not alone.  I have a husband that loves me, friends that care, a supportive family and four healthy boys at home. 

Blog vomit, this is what happens when I don't blog for awhile, my emotions get pent up and I have meltdowns.  So if you're on the receiving end of this I apologize for dumping on you.  However, if you're considering strangling any children at the bus stop or making a scene at a stoplight, try to keep it in perspective.  This too shall pass.  You have friends and family who care even if you can't see it right now and GOD has his hand in your situation even if his number one radio station can't seem to pick the right caller.

If you're not in a personal crisis today, look around.  Someone you know might be.  Do something special for them today.  A phone call, an organic shake or an "I love you" text.  You already care about them, so just make sure you show it today.

Sun and Fun

 

We snuck away this weekend for one last summer family play day.  We went to a little water park where we spent the day…

glaring at the other water park families…

and eating cottonballs from the camera case…

 

and following all the water park rules… (where was this sign two months ago when this child refused to walk and would only crawl)

 

and snuggled…

and built a nest on a picnic table to catch a nap…

   

and held on for dear life…

and zoomed down slides…

 

 

and climbed back up and zoomed back down a bazilion more times…

and posed for pictures…

and refused to pose for pictures…

and flew out of big scary tunnel slides…

 

and floated our Labor Day away in the lazy river (GOD’s gift to large bouyant women)

And So My Life Continues

Those of you who are squeamish may want to stop reading now.  I would love to be afforded the luxury of being squeamish, however, my life is full of disgusting situations every time I turn around. 

Thank you those brave souls who are devoted enough to continue reading.  I appreciate all your support and hope this gives you a laugh today (or at least a little sympathy for me).

So today, when Tommy’s teacher opens up his assignment book she will read this:

A note like this can only mean one thing, either we are really creative liars, or bad things continually happen to our homework.  Unfortunately,

it

was

the

latter…

I apologize if this picture has made any of you vomit on your homework or has offended you, but this is my blog and I blog about my life and I’m sorry to report that cat vomit is frequent a part of that very exciting life.  Being as this is not our first homework excuse this year, I emailed this same picture to Tommy’s teacher.  I’m sorry to report that even when you think things can’t get any worse, they can.  Petey just walked out of the bathroom where the big boys are in the tub and he was carrying a dripping wet library book.  I must cut this short now as I have one cosmic orange accelerated reader chapter book to blow dry.  At least someone’s getting a little use out of my blow dryer.  I can’t remember the last time I was able to spend twenty minutes in the bathroom alone with a blow dryer.  I’m certain the house wouldn’t be standing when I came out if I ever dared to try it.  Off to my blow drying, Good Night! 

Petey’s Ice Cream

I was watching my Dad eat his ice cream cone and it looked so good, so I begged for one…

 

my mom let me have hers…

the ice cream was so nice and cold…

 

and the cone was so crunchy…

but then my Dad took it away to sneak a taste and I was so sad…

 

and nothing could make it right except maybe…

  

two ice cream cones!

Four Boys and a Watermelon

I had a dream the other night that I gave the boys a watermelon and nothing else.  If they wanted to eat it, they’d have to figure out a way to open it up.  Sometimes crazy ideas like that are just meant for dreams, it wouldn’t really make any sense to give four small boys a watermelon without slicing it on a cutting board and serving a small piece on a paper plate with napkins and plenty of wet wipes for the clean up afterward.  However, we were throwing caution to the wind yesterday, so we brought that watermelon and I excitedly waited to see what would unfold.
 
Sorry Gavin, cave moms made their little cave boys carry their own watermelons.

They all took turns, but the heavy watermelon had to be set down often.

Which prompted me to take many watermelon beach shots.

After carrying the watermelon about twenty feet, Gavin resorted to rolling.

After trying to lift the watermelon…

Finn decided to roll the watermelon.

Tommy, well Tommy tried kicking the watermelon across the beach.  Unlike the other boys, he didn’t problem solve or try rolling it.  "You know mom, some moms just buy an already cut up one at the grocery store."  I guess is problem solving, just on a different level. 

Soon he got into the spirit and instructed Gavin to wash the watermelon.

And so they did.  Gavin lifted and Tommy scrubbed until it was clean enough for for their liking
.
We picked a spot and the concept was explained.  It went something like this.  You are all cave boys.  You don’t have knives, or cutting boards or plates or wipes.  You only have your bare hands and any other tools you can find in nature.  You are hungry little cave boys and this is all you could find to eat.  So work as a team and try to figure out how to open it up.


I am sad to say that our brains may not have really evolved that much since the cave era.  Gavin really thought this one might work.  After six tries I felt inclined to redirect him.

After several interesting but unsuccessful techniques were exhausted, Tommy introduced the stick.  He was strong enough to crack the shell and that’s all it took.

It was decided that Gavin was the strongest, so he pried at the tiny crack.


Finn provided moral support and encouragement.

Soon we had sweet sweet success.

and the hole grew

The first handful was tasted.  Let me tell you, from experience of course, that a handful of watermelon beats a slice of watermelon any day.

Everyone liked this part.

Petey was a natural, I guess he hasn’t had much practice with forks and knives and linen napkins yet, so he was close to his roots already.

After everyone had their first taste, Gavin declared that the excavating must continue.

Then the “juice dump” was invented.

I guess when digging up to your elbow in a watermelon, it’s easier when you aren’t splashing watermelon juice in your eyes.  Sorry boys, no goggles for cave boys.

So went our afternoon, eating…

and digging…

and eating…

and digging…

and dumping juice…

and eating…

with our eyes closed…

and letting sweet watermelon juice drip down our golden brown bellies (well, their golden brown bellies, mine’s well, this is not the blog to share the sad state of affairs that is my belly)

Some solo juice dumping…

and lots of cavey teamwork…

and lots of watermelon photos taken with one very sticky Canon Rebel.  Although, I picked up a good technique in nursing school.  When you do certain sterile medical procedures, you have one clean hand and one dirty hand.  I keep my right hand clean and dry for working the camera, but I can do just about anything with my dirty left hand.  I can wipe a runny nose, get sand out of your eye, help you turn on the outdoor shower, or hold you sticky little hand to help you off the table.  Certain emergencies do require two hands however, hence the sticky camera I am dealing with today.

With swollen little brown bellies, the official cave men declared they were all done.  One by one they headed for the shower, except Tommy who insisted I put the watermelon shell on his head for a watermelon helmet.  I considered it, but when I sized it up I realized that the hole was a bad size.  I could picture the shell slipping down over his face and smothering him and me trying to primitively crack open the watermelon helmet with a large rock while on Tommy’s head.  This was enough to make me suggest a watermelon boot instead. 

Next we jumped back to 2010 and took advantage of the beach showers. 
By the time we were clean, we had clogged the drain with pink watermelon flesh.  I was about to throw the remaining watermelon in the garbage when Tommy asked, “Did cave people have garbages?” 
      

Nope, they left their scraps for the dinosaurs and so I heaved our watermelon into the bushes.