i am an optimistic person and can almost always find a silver lining or a way to claim that technically the glass is still half full, but yesterday i had an experience that i could not spin. it’s circumstances like these that can lead to hundreds of women showing up at a target store unannounced to simultaneously nurse their babies without appropriate coverage just to prove a point. most of the following events were more my lack of preparation than crimes of the inconsiderate man but let me remind you that nursing women are hormonal, passionate and impulsive. you best not cross between a mama and her cubs or you may get attacked. although i refrained from attacking anyone, i am still reeling from yesterday’s events.
i was scheduled to assist with an epic (the computer program i train medical personnel on) class at a local college
i’ve taught here before and assumed it would be no problem
i have not taught here since the arrival of huck and starting my new hobby… pumping
i arrived and assisted with the first portion of the class
in no time i could feel the pressure
time to pump
i let my co-worker know i was stepping out to pump
back in ten minutes i promised
this would prove to be a gross understatement
left the class
noticed i did not have my pump
walked to first floor, two miles across hot parking lot to truck
located pump
located leftover walnut fudge from breakfast
ate fudge, carried pump and walked two miles back to building
briskly walked to first floor bathroom to pump
sat down
opened pump
looked for outlet
found none
packed up pump
left bathroom
stopped at front desk to inquire about new lactation room a student had mentioned
no one at front desk
picked up phone
called main campus number
patiently navigated through menu full prompts
sighed when “press six for inquiries on lactation suite” was not an option
time elapsed: 8 minutes
finally made contact
inquired about location of pumping room
explained to wanda what pumping was and why it may be needed
“when a woman has a baby…”
waited while wanda searched her email regarding new pumping room
was transferred to jim in security to have pumping room unlocked
sighed as jim asked what pumping was
substituted the word lactation for pumping
sighed as jim remained confused
“when a woman has a baby…”
asked about location
was told secret location of pumping room
second floor room 221
thanked security
agreed to meet outside of pumping room
time elasped 11 minutes
raced up stairs and wound through hallways until 221 was located
perused 12 years worth nursing class photos (as i was ironically located in the nursing building)
noted that room 221 was the obstetrics sim lab (practice area for student nurses to simulate labor and
delivery i assume)
noted that this was a clever use of resources and real estate
waited 10 minutes for security
no security
called wanda again to inquire about the status of security
navigated through prompts
reached my friend wanda
requested to be transferred to jim
request denied
was told to call jim directly
was given jim’s extension
looked at my cell phone realizing that an extension number was no good from an outside phone
decided that security extension number (four digit) would probably work if prefaced with three digit
main campus number
started to feel the anxiety bubbling up from my stomach
started to feel milk leaking down my stomach
placed call
man on other end: beverly hills how can i help you
me:ha ha, it’s erin again, so sorry to bug you again but i really need to get back to my class
man on other end: what do you need?
me: i need the pumping room unlocked
man on other end: the what?
me:pumping room
man on other end: what are you pumping?
me: when a woman has a baby…
man on other end: i’ll make you a deal, i’ll unlock it if you promise to let me watch
me: …..what?!?
man on other end: honey, i think you got the wrong number, this is a mobile tinting business
me: sorry, thanks
time elasped 24 minutes
called wanda back and insisted she transfer me
security: we can’t be waiting for you all day
me: i mean no offense, but i can’t be waiting for you
security:we’ll be right there
me: ok
looked at more nursing photos
noted the difference of timeless hairstyles vs trend hairstyles
noted that there is a third category called bad hair
noted that i fit into third category
felt guilty for not going on to school to get my rn
started to feel anxious again
started thinking of alternative places to pump in the event that security never shows
considered requirement for location
wants: privacy needs: outlet
waited 10 more minutes for security with no results
time elapsed: 34 minutes
checked both upstairs women’s bathrooms for outlets
none
raced downstairs, check both women’s bathrooms for outlets
none
considered not pumping…
not an option…
pumping moms know that pumping is already a slippery slope
missing pumping appointments will result in a serious breast milk drought
cursed my electric pump
remembered several years ago cursing my battery operated super wimpy pump
took a deep breath
opened the door to the men’s bathroom and scan for outlets
none
raced to other downstairs men’s bathroom
apologized to man exiting not really meaning it
entered
scanned for outlets
none
raced upstairs
wiped my sweat mustache on my shirt
checked both men’s bathrooms located on opposite ends of building for outlets
none
started checking classrooms
frantically ran door to door
finally found an open one
privacy? nope
outlet? yes
started fumbling with pump bag and the nearest outlet
said a prayer that no students walk in
students walked in
me: i’m all done with my electrical checks your instructor should be here shortly
considered telling them that there’s a pop quiz coming
decided toying with college students wass not my priority here
reminded myself that breast milk is a use it or lose it system
noted that i am currently not using it
worried that i am slipping out of tune with huck every day i'm away from him
felt guilty
raced down the hallway
realized i didn’t even know where i was racing to
wished i was amish because they probably don’t use eclectic pumps
concluded that they probably don’t even use pumps
why? because they are not epic trainers
started to cry when i thought about the lucky amish moms who get to stay home and nurse their
babies anytime they want
wished i was amish
subconsciously raced to the women’s bathroom and found myself in the handicapped stall
65 degrees, fluorescent lights, sitting on the toilet while another toilet continuously flushes due to some plumbing problem
remembered seeing or hearing somewhere that some women manually express milk
took a deep breath
took out milk collection bottle
pulled up underwire
took another deep breath
conjured up an image of huck crying
took another deep breath
waited for milk to start pouring out, the way it does when i'm shopping in the store or when i walk
into the nicu full of crying babies
nothing
stared at my breasts and willedl them, begged them to start dripping
nothing
thought of farmers milking their cows
rolled my eyes at myself
tried to relax
looked at the clock
panicked
time elapsed: 42 minutes
started milking for lack of a better word
realized i was clenching my jaw and had aching shoulders from the tension
remembered learning how to milk a goat at twelve years old from my 4H dance teacher
applied same principles
barely a drop
agreed with my paranoid imaginary friends that this is not going to work
packed up and start running down the hallway again
started checking stairwells and other low profile areas
found another open classroom
considered taking my chances again
decided it was not worth the risk, students where everywhere
was drawn to a corner
a corner containing the world’s shortest extension cord
grabbed extension cord
remembered seeing a bathroom downstairs with an outlet in the hallway near the door
decided i better make some signs
borrowed two sheets of paper and a marker
ran downstairs
plugged in my extension cord in the hallway
measured the distance to the women’s and then to the men’s bathroom
men’s was closer… figures
scribbled one sign to place near the plug
sign one: please do not unplug
placed one sign near the door where a passerby might see:
sign two: seriously, do not ask, this is awkward enough!
extension cord reached to the door, barely
had to plug my ac adaptor in and then snake cord under door (this left ac adaptor on the outside of the door)
snuck inside
had to sit on the floor of the men’s bathroom
laid out my sterile field or as close as i could get it
plugged ac adaptor into pump
angels sang out as my little pump started to hum
hooked up in record time
closed my eyes and pretended i was anywhere but where i was
finished pumping
spilled an entire bottle of milk on the floor
sighed
agreed that there was nothing sanitary about this milk anyway
dumped the other bottle into the urinal
washed my pump
washed my hands
raced back upstairs
returned world’s shortest extension cord
left the signs on it just to make the next person wonder
jogged back to my classroom
took a deep breath
smiled
opened the door
picked up where i left off assisting the students
“yes, scan the patient and the mar will open automatically”
wondered if there were any security cameras in the hallways or possibly some of the classrooms
giggled when i thought of security reviewing the tapes and wondering what this crazed woman with
the small black backpack was doing
after leaving the college i called miss tammie to find out how little huckleberry was doing.
found out that we are more in tune than i thought
precisely as i was dumping over a bottle of milk onto the men’s bathroom floor miss tammie was dumping an entire bottle of milk down huck’s onesie during an unfortunate bottle malfunction….
No comments:
Post a Comment