grieving…

we’re grieving today.  i say we, but in actuality, it’s only me.  huck has no idea that as we snuggle and stare at each other in the darkness of my bed tomorrow morning at 5:30 am it will be our last time nursing.  get a grip i remind myself and stop exaggerating.  technically, it will be our last time nursing for the next 10 hours or so. we will most certainly resume as soon as i return home.  i will pump at work and no doubt nurse him the minute i pick him up from miss tammie possibly on her sofa right in the living room but for sure as soon as i get him in the truck.  on a side note, vehicle manufacturers have definitely not taken nursing mothers into consideration when building vehicles.  although perhaps if i lost 50 pounds or so baby huck would fit a bit better between myself and the steering wheel.  moving on.  tomorrow i go back to the land of the cubicles and the outlook calendars. 
as i go through today i am savoring each precious act as the routine i’ve so carefully choreographed is going to be retired.  today is the last show.  we will never again perform this dance.  i bought a front row ticket for today’s show so i can commit to memory each and every act that i’ve grown to love. tomorrow a new show, far from being perfected,  will be performed.  dress rehearsals have not gone super well so far.  huck does not enjoy his practice bottle each morning and we’ve unsuccessfully attempted to make it to the bus stop twice just for practice.  this could be a bit bumpy.  i have the skeleton of tomorrow’s show written, but it needs a bit of tweaking and all of the dancers are a bit anxious and the choreographer is an emotional wreck so if you happen to be in the audience tomorrow please cut us some slack. 
in the meantime today i grieve…
goodbye two hour nursing sessions cuddling with huck and my auggie doggie
hello two hour planning meetings with my co-workers

goodbye silly lunches of warmed up leftovers, one big plate with two forks, one for me and one for my favorite three year old
hello brown bag i haven’t missed you

goodbye “old trusty” my laptop that burns my knees and is missing the shift key and the c key (someone asked the other day why i don’t ever use capital letters when i blog anymore, now you all know)
hello real computer with all keys intact and even an extra monitor (extra monitor, i promise to get to know you a little better this time, maybe i’ll even learn how to wake you up)

goodbye nursing marathons and spending my time topless for the majority of the day
hello blouses, it’s been awhile and say hello to shoes with heels, i think there’s a reunion in our future

goodbye dog whisperer, pioneer woman, tyler florence, and all cast members of the chew  it’s been nice knowing you
hello ashley (one of my best cube mates) i’ve missed you and have so much gossip to catch up on

goodbye chubby little cheeks and super powered little suction mouth
hello hard plastic pump you make nursing seem like a chore and i do not look forward to our upcoming sessions

goodbye mailman, ups, traveling religion people and all neighborhood dog walkers.  you will probably think i moved because you will never see me again
hello supervisors, co-workers, copy machine repair guy and frat boys (they have a special table in the break room) you probably thought they fired me

goodbye mid morning baths and afternoon naps.  it’s been amazing
hello mid morning meetings and afternoon projects

goodbye casual (think really casual) attire
hello underwire, underwear and shoes

goodbye searching for hours for the one and only sharpened homework pencil
hello office supply room

goodbye craigslist, pinterest and other complete time sucking websites
hello outlook email, citrix and sharepoint

goodbye broken, ugly but functional, soft comfy green rocker recliner
hello fairly uncomfortable rigid standard issue rolling office chair

goodbye parent drop off family
hello early morning bus stop family

goodbye fussy hour when i let you use my breast as a pillow because you don’t really want to eat, but just want to be near them
hello…  hmmmm…
sorry, i just had a realization.
this is why they say writing is therapeutic i suppose.  i have been anxious for weeks knowing this day was coming.  i have been crying on and off today knowing that this day was coming but as i type this out and process my thoughts i realize that the tears only come when i mention the nursing.  interesting… 
diagnosis: anxiety related to the loss of nursing during the day
prescription: nurse huck as often as possible while with him
                     pump while at work on a schedule to keep milk supply up
                     quit crying and blogging about your breasts (this could prove to be embarrassing down the road)

i love being my own therapist not only because i’m frugal but because i am so dang good at it! 
so today i grieve… over the final showing of a production i kind of liked a lot.  in a week or two i’m sure we will all be adjusted and carrying on the way we always do.  the tears will be gone or at least being shed over something else.   this is a show i feel i could have starred in for the rest of my life…
and now on broadway:

MATERNITY LEAVE

STARRING ERIN

(AND HER FAMOUS BREASTS)

sorry if you missed this show.  please be sure to buy tickets for our upcoming appearances though and for those faithful season ticket holders (GOG bless you)… i’m sure you won’t be disappointed as our next show, a comedy,

 

ERIN, WORKING GIRL

 

promises to be hilarious.  watch as a mother of five attempts to hold down a full time job, a household, five boys, a multitude of extracurriculars and her sanity.