made to be broken

 

My prompt this morning from the creative writer’s block people was:   List the twenty rules that you’ve broken. 

Contrary to what you see in the above photo, I have never approached, fed or harassed an alligator in the state of Florida.  Considering that I may still run for president I will refrain from listing anything that is actually illegal.  Although, I have no law degree and have been quite surprised in the past by little actions that are actually illegal.  Not winding up my hose (guilty and charged already) and having a clothesline (both illegal in my city).   

In no particular order other than how memorable they were:

1.  Fashion.  I don’t believe I need to go much further but I can’t really help myself.

putting on a pair of nylons while driving (this was in the nineties and I had a spiral perm to go with my nude nylons).  While not technical spelled out in the state troopers’ handbook, I did get pulled over and ticketed.

having a spiral perm

having a mom that believed she could recreate the spiral perm in our own kitchen (not really a rule breaker, more of an unfortunate situation)

frequently wearing pj pants with holes in bad places

not remembering to sit like a lady while wearing said stripy pj pants

I could go on and on, but my prompt said twenty rules, not twenty categories.  I always interpret things my way.  I’m a fashion disaster and I’m well aware.  Moving on.

 

2.  Becoming a blogger without knowing anything about computers, like how to un indent this stupid line.  I don’t want it indented as though it’s  part of my number one category.  But I am sick of fighting it.  I give up Microsoft Live Writer.  You win.  I look dumb and you win!

     Believing that all advances in technology ended when I graduated high school in 1998

     “I’m sorry, that’s a what?  A flash drive?  It’s so small, don’t you lose it?”

3.  Taking a job in the IT department where my computer inadequacies really shine.

4.  Blogging about my lack of computer skills on a blog that I’ve instructed all my coworkers and supervisors to read.  Excellent decision Erin.

5.  Wearing my heart on my sleeve.

This will include the following:

     bursting into tears in the HR meeting

     bursting into tears in the school choice office

     bursting into tears when I got pulled over… twice

     I think you get the point

6.  Allowing my babies to run naked in the backyard

not all the time, but sometimes when there little buns look like they could use some sunshine

7.  Drinking caffeine while pregnant

8.  Allowing my boys to sleep with us.

so annoying

so cuddly

so habit forming

so gonna let Finn sleep with me tonight… again

9.  Not getting my cat spayed yet (as I mention this to my husband, he adds the tidbit that he hasn’t seen the cat in three days, problem resolved I guess)

10.  Not putting sunscreen on my boys unless other moms are watching

11.  Crashing parties

Here’s a documented account

12.  Feeding the boys organic apples and good old nitrate packed corndogs in the same meal.

13.  Watching Housewives, Desperate and New Jersey, Mob Wives and occasionally Basketball Wives

14.  Admitting I watch any of the trashy shows mentioned in number 13.

15.  Renting, not houses, just stuff

I have purchased (usually to the tune of twenty something dollars) more Red Box movies than anyone in South Florida

If your unaware, they do actually sell it to you if you keep it for X amount of days which I guess is better than charging you a dollar a day for the next sixty years.  My most recent purchase was a Diary of the Wimpy Kid movie.  

I would mention the library but I believe this would involve admitting to a crime because I have recently received some threatening letters.  Don’t mess with them.

16.  Not sorting laundry… ever.

17.  Not clipping my boys nails.

They’re boys.  I think they’re like wild birds that wear their talons down on rough surfaces.    Occasionally when I do locate the clipper behind the TV or in the sofa I will capture up one of them to examine.    It’s really a mystery because they aren’t ever long.  None of them are nail biters either.  I think I’ll stick with the wild eagle theory.  It’s weird.

18.  Blogging about the state of my boy’s talons as well as other personal issues as well as photos unflattering and possibly embarrassing.  Most of my boys don’t follow my blog, but one day they might or their girlfriends might.  But until one of them locates it while surfing the internet or until more of them start to read better and object, I’ll continue to blog.  Sorry boys, maybe you should start a blog about your mother.  You could post all those unflattering photos of her that she never does.  Fun idea.  In fact I could even help you with my expert computer skills. 

19.  Innocently researching on the internet at work the other day and threatening the entire network with a virus of sorts.  Actually, not sorry that this happened, it was an accident, but sorry the office IT security busted me in front of all my coworkers with a Ghostbusters looking contraption that worked like a metal detector beeping faster and faster the closer they got to me.  How embarrassing!  I’m still trying to determine if this was an office prank. 

20.  Pets

taking any animal rearing advice from my mother

     allowing her to convince me that the one eyed gerbil and the guinea pig should live together

     allowing her to convince me to set my pets free for the summer under the belief that we would capture them back up prior to the first frost.  This included

          rabbits, angora and albino, guinea pigs, mice, and goldfish

          for the record, the only ones that were ever capturable where the guinea pigs, they’re loyal

     allowing her to convince me that there is no reason that a cockatiel should have to live in her cage, even if we did have four cats

     allowing her to convince me that any animal can survive the winter outside as long as they have enough hay in their house (in Northern WI)

and lastly, buying puppies (very expensive) ... twice.   Rule number one in the cat lovers handbook clearly states, NO DOGS. 

 

 

I suppose that’s it.  I briefly considered following all the above rules today but looked down at the computer in my lap sitting on top of the stripy holey pj pants and have decided that maybe I can start following the rules tomorrow.