It appears doomsday is upon you. We’ve watched you pondering and planning and pouting all week bracing for the dreaded 405 freeway shutdown that will occur this Friday.
We’ve learned from our national media that your beloved 405 carries a half million people from San Fernando Valley to West LA every day. The shutdown, that you’ve nicknamed Carmageddon (we think this is so clever), will close ten miles of your freeway from Friday to Monday for some much needed widening. In good old American disaster fashion, the media loves this, the late night shows love this and the economy loves this. You are evaluating detours, and listening to PSA’s and Tweets from hired celebrities. As with most predictable disasters, the economy is smiling as new GPS apps are flying off virtual shelves and you stock up on whatever their local news anchors convince you there is a shortage of. We don’t mock you for behavior as many of us are still eating canned green beans from a recent near miss.
Here on the East coast, we are quite familiar with disaster preparedness. A disaster that sneaks up with no warning almost seems more tolerable than the ones that are preceded with days of warnings. Although FL celebrities don’t usually Tweet about hurricanes, maybe because celebrities don’t actually reside in FL or maybe because the celebrities that do are too busy playing shuffleboard in their matching track suits. Receiving warning of the impending doom has the same effect whether it’s a hurricane or a shutdown of a vital thoroughfare. Like all disasters, those who prepare well and make smart decisions survive, and those who don’t make the news. Here’s some disaster advice from your friendly neighbors:
Hibernate:
East Coast Comparison: The resident who plans and prepares accordingly, accepts his fate and hunkers down
* take your earplugs out of your head and shut the computer and turn your I-phone off and have your spouse hide it (you know temptation will get you) and take a good look around. You’ve probably been missing some things. Did you know you you had a cat?
* Make pancakes or meatloaf
* Get to know your kids
* Play those board games you got but never opened
* Introduce yourself to your neighbors; you know they’ve been wondering about you
* Take a bath, it’s not just a shower, you can actually sit or even lie down in that thing
* Throw a BBQ Carmageddon party. We call them hurricane parties, mostly designed to clean out the freezer prior to losing electricity for two weeks, but if the end is coming, who doesn’t want to go out drinking beer and eating hotdogs? I’ll RSVP to that one
Venture Out (not recommended):
East Coast Comparison: The individuals who take their boats out into the ocean to ride out the storm
* Realize that no disaster has ever been improved by an extra onslaught of onlookers (if this speaks to you, reconsider and see above list)
* Realize that you are a workaholic. If this is by your own choice, get help. If this is required by your employer, get a lawyer
* Understand that there will be no short cuts, no secret back way and no speeding
* Attempting to find a new shortcut will no doubt cause you to find yourself in suburban hell winding through garage sale lined streets and church picnics and small town parades celebrating strange small town milestones.
* It will take you three times longer to get there than the time you actually spend there, prepare to be disappointed
* Prepare to be even more disappointed when you see your gas bill
* Prepare to be surprised when you find yourself stopping to buy a striking lamp for the guest room at random garage sale. Welcome to the real America where we don’t drive past everything at 80 miles an hour.
* Stay calm. Expect delays. If you tend to be uptight to start with, consider wearing a bathing suit and flip flops and a straw hat for your commute. How angry can one actually get while in beach gear? Well, technically you can get angry but may consider withholding any road rage displays out of fear of looking ridiculous. Would you be intimidated by a man in a Speedo and plastic flip flops and a visor ranting and raving and honking while listening to the Beach Boys? I think not.
* Listen to good music, not the good music you listen to while jogging or preparing for battle, the kind your crunchy massage therapist plays while you’re on her table.
Take a deep breath California. Recognize it… and release it… In with the good… out with the bad…
This too shall pass and at least you still have your air conditioning and at least your state fixes your roads in a timely manner. Three days is quite impressive by Florida standards. A few of us are laughing at you and some of us are praying for you and most of us are sitting back, in our lawn chairs on the beach (because everyone knows that people in FL just sit on beaches like people in CA sit in cars on their freeways) and thinking of you.
Take the advice and please come visit, it’s been awhile. We miss you us and quite frankly, we could use the tourism dollars.
Love,
Your East Coast Neighbors
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