Huck

we were at a critical point at work when all of this went down

I work for the IS department of our hospital system and had just spent the last several months with the rest of our team training all the hospital staff on the new computer system

we implemented EPIC at midnight on August 1st

I had was in the middle of my second shift when I started to have very regular contractions

so I walked some more and took a few extra flights of stairs

I had proclaimed months earlier that I would have the first EPIC baby

Huck was born on August 2nd

I don’t remember what time he was born

Huck was not the first EPIC baby

the first baby was delivered due to a trauma, I’m glad that wasn’t Huck

my co-workers were in hospital supporting the new system

they labored with me

they saved me from having a c-section

I had a student nurse stop in

she had never inserted a foley

my old nursing instructor assisted her

they did a fabulous job

I assisted my real nurses with EPIC as I labored

Huck tumbled out into the world screaming and peeing

the world stopped and so did his breathing as they set him on my chest

the NICU team rushed in

as they attempted to resuscitate him they wanted his name

I yelled out “Huck”

we hadn’t officially decided on Huck yet, discussions were supposed to take place after he was born

oops

I apologized to Scott for making an executive decision but made no attempt to undo his sudden naming

Huck was rushed off to the NICU

I was alone

very alone

I called my co-workers

they were AMAZING

some had NICU connections

very strong NICU connections

I didn’t even know how much he weighed

I didn’t even know if he was alive

soon I received a visit and a scrap of yellow paper

the top of it read “Huck the Super Star”

it continued 6 pounds 15 ounces

19 3/4 long

most importantly, he was alive

I still have that paper

she explained that Huck worked so hard fighting to breath that he popped a hole in his left lung

I cried

I wouldn’t see him again for an hour

the nurse told me I could go see him when I could stand on my currently numb legs

I lied

she tested me

I failed miserably

they got me a stretcher

I wouldn’t hold him again for nine days

he went on and off of a machine called bubble cpap that assisted him in breathing but could potentially pop another hole in his delicate lungs

I developed a love hate relationship with bubble cpap

ironically several years before this series of events Finn lay in the NICU on bubble cpap

Finn is the bubble cpap model baby in an instruction manual made by the NICU years ago

sadly I was already familiar with the bubble cpap

a tube was inserted through his nose into his stomach

two lines were inserted into his umbilical stump to access a vein and an artery

leads monitored his heart rate

a little gold heart thermostat measured his temperature

he had IV in his left hand

so did I

 

on day three I stood at his bedside and knew something was wrong

his respiration rate increased and he started retracting

he was fighting to breath harder than ever and he was quickly deteriorating in front of me

a stat chest x-ray was ordered

the neonatologist apologized to me

Huck had popped a hole in his right lung just now in front of me

he needed to perform an emergent procedure to save my little Huckleberry

I remained strong until I found the arms of my co-worker around me

I broke down as they prepped Huck for more necessary pain and procedures

I ignored texts from home because texting back meant it was real and admitting Huck was in trouble

I still cry when I type this out

I was a zombie

my amazing co-workers fed me, pumped me, sat with me, hugged me, cried with me, carried my breast milk to the NICU and so much more

they were my rocks

Huck received two dinosaur hearts

I wore one in my bra every day

when I would come and visit, I would remove the one from his face and put it in my bra and recover his face with the scent loaded dino heart from my bra

we still struggled to keep him calm sometimes

Huck would receive pain medication when we could not soothe him

that made me cry

he bombed his first hearing test

I pictured myself signing I love you to a toddler

I secretly tested him and felt bad when it startled him

but I still smiled

he passed his second hearing test with flying colors

 

I begged to take photos of him

I took one flash photo of him and I startled him and made him cry

it felt like the most selfish thing I had ever done

photography in a dark NICU without a flash is a learned art

taking photos with a dirty (medically speaking) camera is a bit tricky as well

the required 3 minute scrub in time gave me the cleanest hands I’ve ever had

I hung up pictures of the brothers he had never met in his isolette

he needed to know he had a team cheering for him

I changed his diaper for the first time on day four

I did a bad job even though I volunteered in the NICU for several years and have changed several thousand diapers

I was embarrassed

Huck screamed and it took 2 nurses and myself to calm him back down

my co-workers bought groceries for me

all things that could be prepared by a nine year old

Gavin received a card from a friend with money in it to take us all out to dinner

he took us to Outback

driving to the hospital became more routine than it has ever been

I parked in emergency parking on more than one occasion at the hospital

I didn’t feel guilty

I felt like a crappy mom every time I walked out of that hospital without him leaving him alone for the nurses to take care of

I felt like a crappy mom every time I walked out of my house without the four big boys leaving them home without me

he kept his feet crossed the entire time

he didn’t wear clothes

he loves to be swaddled, loves his pacifier and loves his dino eye cover and would probably still love Fentanyl if he was allowed…

all funny little comforts learned in the NICU

my co-workers would text me pictures of Huck in the middle of the night

new co-workers were introduced to Huck every shift

he was famous

my co-workers bought me lunch every day

I love hospital cafeteria food

my daily chats with them were amazingly therapeutic even though they were about nothing

 

the NICU is supposed to be quiet, sometimes it wasn’t

I pumped every two hours around the clock

the boys all got a lesson in breast feeding

my milk came in

the boys spilled my first four ounces of milk

the puppy licked it up off the floor

I cried (over spilled milk)

I brought in little bottles of frozen milk to the NICU every day

even though he wasn’t able to drink it

I felt like the queen of the NICU or the guest of honor

I was greeted like a celebrity every time I entered

The staff was incredible

The took amazing care of Huck and agreed with me every time a proclaimed that he was the cutest baby ever

school started

 

after several days Huck could recognize the soft click of my camera and learned to pose

he had the same hair as the neonatologist

they very slowly began to feed him through his NG tube

he got 9 ml every 4 hours

I pumped 240 ml every 2 hours

calculating that made me leak

the dog is obsessed with breast milk

it’s gross, I’ll spare you the details

I loved chatting with the NICU nurses

they all commented on the photos of Huck’s big brothers

 

his every breath and heartbeat were monitored

I tried not to watch the numbers on the screen

I tried not to watch the numbers on the screen of another baby as he repeatedly coded

he still breaths too fast

Huck was one of the biggest babies in the NICU

Huck was one of my smallest babies

 

on day eight Huck wore clothes for the first time

it was a brown bear sleeper, he liked it

a co-worker shielded Huck from view of the protective (but absolutely incredible) nurses for five seconds

just long enough that I could scoop him up and nuzzle him into my neck and smell his puffy hair and squeeze him without getting caught

we quickly tucked him back in and no one noticed

it was amazing

maybe even more amazing than the moment he was born

on day nine I held my Huckleberry for the first time

I cried

I didn’t wipe my tears because the sign says if you touch your face you have to scrub in again and the thought disturbing this incredible moment were too much

I didn’t make eye contact with the mom that was watching me

she wasn’t even supposed to touch her baby yet

I cried more for her

I wanted to talk to her and tell her I was sorry

sorry that I got my turn before she got hers

sorry that by the way it looked, she may not actually ever have a turn

I wanted to look at her but was afraid that with all my emotions and hormones I may not convey the right message to her

 

after ten roller coaster days, we finally came home

I try not to think of the other babies that didn’t get to go home yet

I pray for them and their mothers every night or sometimes when I nurse Huck

weeks later he still sleeps with his heart over his eyes

I haven’t washed them

Huck loves to nurse

nine days of not nursing only made him a better nurser

nine days of not being introduced to his brothers made his brothers very anxious

our homecoming was incredible

Huck was not the first EPIC baby born in the system

Huck was the first EPIC NICU discharge

his brothers love to hold him

Tommy holds him the most

the dog loves him the most

his chest tube dressings had to stay on for five days after discharge

they are off now

he cried while I peeled them off

i wanted to cry as I peeled them off

the dog ate one of them

he will forever have his scars as reminders

the doctor says Huck is thriving

we have made up for lost time

nursing and cuddling are at the top of my to do list every day (and night)

more pictures will come but that requires actually setting him down

something I am not prepared to do yet

he is crying now and wants to be nursed