island exploring

islands are made for exploring and so they explore

 

 

rocks are made for skipping and so they skip

 

 

 

sons are made for photographing and so I photograph

 

 

brothers are made for bonding and so they bond

 

 

pokey horseshoe crabs are made for touching and so they touch

 

 

islands are made for exploring and we love to explore

 

We’re island bound tomorrow.  The boys are excited to spend an extra night at the cottage this Labor day weekend.  I hope to spend some time out on the water and let Huck try out his new life jacket.  We’ll probably hang out on the boat in the shade while the big boys do some exploring, swimming and fishing.  Hope you all get to spend some time with your families this weekend as well.

Huckleberry

As I drove home from school drop off number one yesterday morning I made a to do list on the back of a Behr paint chip.  You know the one that helps you decide what color you should paint your room?  I had settled on Mississippi Mud the day before.  My list yesterday included all sorts of ugly projects.  I like to call these the alligator projects because they’re usually just about as fun as dealing with an alligator and I usually avoid them just the same.  These are the ones that Scott nags me about just before we go to bed.  He feels better as he gets it off his chest and I can lay there and stare at the ceiling and feel anxious about all the stuff I have to deal with the following day.  Not exactly a win win.  By the time I pulled in the driveway the list had covered the back side and was spilling over onto the front.  Yuck.

As I nursed Huck and found an episode of Barney on the DVR for Peter I made an executive decision to leave the to do list in my burby, as the boys have lovingly named my Suburban, and make a new one.  It only included two tasks.  Number one: take photos of Huck and number two: take a nap.  Sounds do-able I thought.  I can probably squeeze both of those in as long as I focus and manage my time. 

For task number one I enlisted the help of my photography assistant.  Petey (still only three, so we’ll call him my amateur photo assistant) loyally followed behind me trying to keep up with my rather long list of requests.  Go get your beanbag chair and put it in the front yard.  Also, go in my bedroom and find Huck’s dino heart, his dino blankie, his car seat cover, both swaddling blankets and his little sock monkey.  I’ll meet you in the front yard.  I grabbed the dog, this would prove to be a mistake later, and the baby and headed out.  Ten minutes and four trips later, Peter had finally drug the last item down the driveway and through the front yard. 

As I glanced at the burby, I remembered the ugly to do list sitting on the dash.  I justified my change in plans by reminding the responsible half of my brain that Huck will only be this age once and this phase must be documented.  After all, what kind of a mother would I be if I didn’t have a billion pictures of my brand new baby?

And so went the morning shooting, and adjusting, and adding props, and ordering around my favorite little assistant.  The assistant had just eaten something chocolate and had the evidence smeared all over his face.  It was difficult making sure he didn’t have any actual contact with the model, or rub his face on any of the props and most certainly didn’t appear in any of the photos because what kind of a mother would I look like then?

I justified as the shoot progressed.

 

 

I must document these feet now because baby feet are precious but ten year old boy feet stink.  In fact, this year we have a new rule, after school when I pick you up you must keep your shoes on until you get home.  Only then can you remove them and reveal your terribly stinky feet.  It’s just too much to handle in a confined area.

 

 

 

I must document these precious chubby cheeks.  He may not have them for long, or worse he will and believe me, there is nothing precious about having chubby cheeks at age 30.  I’m living proof.

 

 

 

I must document this stage where he will fall asleep anywhere even when abandoned under a tree.  Narcolepsy is a short lived phase and most of us grow out of it.

 

 

 

I must document him with his favorite toy because at this age the toys are actually cute.  There will be nothing cute about his toys in another five years.  Transformers and Legos are never classified as cute.

 

 

 

I must document how flexible his attitude is.  Somehow I know that if I suggested that Gavin allow me to tie him to the front fence so I could take some blog photos he wouldn’t be so compliant.  Compliancy is a quality that my boys quickly outgrow.

 

 

 

I must document how sweet Huck looks in hats and outfits I pick out for him.  Soon he’ll be picking out his own and refusing anything I suggest. 

 

 

 

I must document how adorable his little hands are.  Within a few years they will most likely be chocolate covered like the assistant’s and I will be reminding him to keep his grubby hands off the bakery case at the grocery store and he will have dirt under his fingernails.

 

 

 

I must document all his innocent little gestures.  I know this may look like “Stop taking my photo” but I assure you he has no idea what he is suggesting… yet.

 

 

 

I must document his little chicken legs, no scars, scrapes or bruises.  In a year or two it will be road rash and band aids and battle scars.  

 

 

I must document his ability to fit into a sling.  It doesn’t take long and he will be way too big.  Although Finn still begs to be in the sling.  There’s nothing precious about carrying a four year old with a drooly mouth and a snotty nose in a sling that positions his face about two inches from mine. 

 

Our photo shoot went smoothly for the most part although I did cause one school bus to not only stop but back up to get a better look when the nosy driver noticed a newborn hanging on my white picket fence.  Huck was not impressed with the heat so we retreated to the house to cool down and check off the next task on our list, the nap. 

 

 

Once again I must document these tiny little kissable toes now because we all know what they will turn into. 

Stinky, sweaty, sock fuzz covered boy feet.

27 days

i’ve been out of my mom’s belly for 27 days

today she took some photos of me…

weird photos

i cried because it was too hot out

i like all my big brothers

some more than others

i love to nurse

my dog loves to curl up by me when i nurse

i am anxious about my mom going back to work

the dog ate all my pacifiers

my mom kept them up high, but no one else understood this rule

my house is loud

i almost slept through the night last night

i’ll be sure to make up for it tonight

i had my first real bath a few days ago

i didn’t like it

i hated the drying off and lotion part even more

i have a normal belly button now

i like to sleep with the fan on

my mom will probably regret this the first time we have to sleep somewhere without a fan

i wish i could hold my head up

i’m tired of having a floppy neck

when people ask what my name is my mom has to repeat herself a lot

sometimes she envisions saying “You know, it rhymes with …”

Luck (I hope you didn’t think of anything else)

i’ve been out of my mom’s belly for 27 days

today she took photos of me…

weird photos

 

blessed but bored

So hurricane or should I say tropical storm Isaac was a complete miss for us.  I remind myself to be thankful.  We had a rather beautiful day, breezy but beautiful.  Storm surge, flooding,  gusty winds? 

None of the above. 

We had an uneventful day of shopping, painting the boys bedroom, cooking split pea soup and fighting over the one computer in our house that will actually connect to the internet.  The boys spent a great deal of the day outside playing with friends and inside wrestling with the dog.

I had my camera on my lap ready to capture the craziness that passing hurricanes can sometimes bring, but this was the most exciting shot I could get.  Note the nine mile per hour gust I have captured here.  The predicted gusts were about ten times as fast and never actually showed up although this did not stop our local news reporters from pretending that they had.  We spend a fair amount of time sitting on the sofa giggling while we watched our local weathermen dressed in their parkas reporting from the beach locations. 

Wanted to let you all know we are safe and sound and praying for New Orleans that they can get as lucky as us.

if you give your husband the camera

If you send your husband up north with all the little boys for a week long boys vacation…

He’ll probably ask for your camera…

You’ll probably be a bit hesitant because keeping track of four boys alone is an incredible responsibility but keeping track of the camera you could never afford to replace is a bit scary…

Your fears will be confirmed when he calls from the airplane to let you know that he forgot the camera in the terminal and the airline staff will not allow him to exit the plane to go back for it…

You will say a prayer later thanking GOD for the lovely Allegiant flight attendant that offered to go back into the terminal to locate it…

You’ll breath a sigh of relief when you receive confirmation that he has arrived up north at the cottage with all four boys and the camera is accounted for…

You’ll probably shake your head when he announces several days later that he has agreed to take his niece's senior pictures for her…

Even though you have very limited camera experience, he has none you might remind him…

You’ll probably consider texting your niece and asking her not to get her hopes up too high…

When he arrives home and you pull out the camera to download the photos, you’ll probably mentally prepare the conversation you’ll have with your niece…

“Honey, you have to understand he is not a photographer, yes it’s a nice camera, but that can only help so much… I’m sorry”

And then, the images will fill up your screen and you’ll shake your head…

What???

 

 

 

 

 

They will turn out fabulous…

Maybe it was the great camera…

or the awesome scenery…

or the beautiful photogenic model…

or the universe’s way of proving you wrong every time you make a declaration about someone else’s abilities…

 

You’ll do a bit of editing and then shake your head as you hit send and email 62 great shots to your eagerly awaiting niece…

So, if your husband asks for the camera today, go ahead and give it to him, you may be pleasantly surprised.  

be ready be safe

The warnings have blasted us for days.  Hurricane Isaac is coming.  There’s always part of me that hates all the hype.  We have to wait in line at gas stations and grocery stores run out of water.  Today, Home Depot ran out of flashlights.  It’s annoying and the panic lasts for days.  It wreaks havoc, but is part of living in Florida.  I remind myself that of all the natural disasters, at least with hurricanes you have an advanced warning. 

Then there’s the darker part of me that always hopes it comes near.  Maybe not a direct hit, but close enough to be exciting.  Sick I know.  It’s obvious that I have never gone through a hurricane like Charley, Andrew or Katrina.

So today, we prepared.  Not only did we have to prepare our house, but we headed out to the cottage to tidy things up and prepare for the storm.  Of course we had a lazy breakfast of donuts and strata at a quaint little bakery we recently discovered.

 

 

Some of us ran around and put things away…

and some of us took imaginary canoe adventures on the high seas…

and some of us snuggled in the cottage and caught up on Housewives of Atlanta while under the pretense of nursing the baby…

 

This will be our first hurricane as Florida boat owners.  We took advice of a well seasoned island neighbor and cranked up the boat higher than usual, removed anything that could potentially blow away including the cover and added some ropes in the event that the storm surge floats the boat off the lift.  Hmmm… if a storm surge rose that high, the boat would most likely be the least of our concerns. 

After comparing to another islanders handy work I suggested that Scott might spend some time working on his nautical knot skills.  The boys are joining scouts this year, maybe this is something they cover. 

 

One of these is not like the other…

The entire island was preparing.  Some celebrate with hurricane parties and some just close up shop.  Plywood over doors is a common scene.

  Big or small, they prepare none the less.

They leave no picnic table unturned.

Even the palms got their last minute hurricane haircuts.  After leaving the island we headed out to check on the old house and then it was home to prepare the new house.  I decided not to stock up on flashlights, batteries and water.  Instead, we got some movie rentals, ketchup and cheese.  In hindsight, this may have been an obvious mistake. 

The rain has started and the wind is blowing through.  Nothing too exciting yet except that school was called off for Monday.  The boys were pleased.

Stay safe and dry and see you on the flip side of this one.

Huck

we were at a critical point at work when all of this went down

I work for the IS department of our hospital system and had just spent the last several months with the rest of our team training all the hospital staff on the new computer system

we implemented EPIC at midnight on August 1st

I had was in the middle of my second shift when I started to have very regular contractions

so I walked some more and took a few extra flights of stairs

I had proclaimed months earlier that I would have the first EPIC baby

Huck was born on August 2nd

I don’t remember what time he was born

Huck was not the first EPIC baby

the first baby was delivered due to a trauma, I’m glad that wasn’t Huck

my co-workers were in hospital supporting the new system

they labored with me

they saved me from having a c-section

I had a student nurse stop in

she had never inserted a foley

my old nursing instructor assisted her

they did a fabulous job

I assisted my real nurses with EPIC as I labored

Huck tumbled out into the world screaming and peeing

the world stopped and so did his breathing as they set him on my chest

the NICU team rushed in

as they attempted to resuscitate him they wanted his name

I yelled out “Huck”

we hadn’t officially decided on Huck yet, discussions were supposed to take place after he was born

oops

I apologized to Scott for making an executive decision but made no attempt to undo his sudden naming

Huck was rushed off to the NICU

I was alone

very alone

I called my co-workers

they were AMAZING

some had NICU connections

very strong NICU connections

I didn’t even know how much he weighed

I didn’t even know if he was alive

soon I received a visit and a scrap of yellow paper

the top of it read “Huck the Super Star”

it continued 6 pounds 15 ounces

19 3/4 long

most importantly, he was alive

I still have that paper

she explained that Huck worked so hard fighting to breath that he popped a hole in his left lung

I cried

I wouldn’t see him again for an hour

the nurse told me I could go see him when I could stand on my currently numb legs

I lied

she tested me

I failed miserably

they got me a stretcher

I wouldn’t hold him again for nine days

he went on and off of a machine called bubble cpap that assisted him in breathing but could potentially pop another hole in his delicate lungs

I developed a love hate relationship with bubble cpap

ironically several years before this series of events Finn lay in the NICU on bubble cpap

Finn is the bubble cpap model baby in an instruction manual made by the NICU years ago

sadly I was already familiar with the bubble cpap

a tube was inserted through his nose into his stomach

two lines were inserted into his umbilical stump to access a vein and an artery

leads monitored his heart rate

a little gold heart thermostat measured his temperature

he had IV in his left hand

so did I

 

on day three I stood at his bedside and knew something was wrong

his respiration rate increased and he started retracting

he was fighting to breath harder than ever and he was quickly deteriorating in front of me

a stat chest x-ray was ordered

the neonatologist apologized to me

Huck had popped a hole in his right lung just now in front of me

he needed to perform an emergent procedure to save my little Huckleberry

I remained strong until I found the arms of my co-worker around me

I broke down as they prepped Huck for more necessary pain and procedures

I ignored texts from home because texting back meant it was real and admitting Huck was in trouble

I still cry when I type this out

I was a zombie

my amazing co-workers fed me, pumped me, sat with me, hugged me, cried with me, carried my breast milk to the NICU and so much more

they were my rocks

Huck received two dinosaur hearts

I wore one in my bra every day

when I would come and visit, I would remove the one from his face and put it in my bra and recover his face with the scent loaded dino heart from my bra

we still struggled to keep him calm sometimes

Huck would receive pain medication when we could not soothe him

that made me cry

he bombed his first hearing test

I pictured myself signing I love you to a toddler

I secretly tested him and felt bad when it startled him

but I still smiled

he passed his second hearing test with flying colors

 

I begged to take photos of him

I took one flash photo of him and I startled him and made him cry

it felt like the most selfish thing I had ever done

photography in a dark NICU without a flash is a learned art

taking photos with a dirty (medically speaking) camera is a bit tricky as well

the required 3 minute scrub in time gave me the cleanest hands I’ve ever had

I hung up pictures of the brothers he had never met in his isolette

he needed to know he had a team cheering for him

I changed his diaper for the first time on day four

I did a bad job even though I volunteered in the NICU for several years and have changed several thousand diapers

I was embarrassed

Huck screamed and it took 2 nurses and myself to calm him back down

my co-workers bought groceries for me

all things that could be prepared by a nine year old

Gavin received a card from a friend with money in it to take us all out to dinner

he took us to Outback

driving to the hospital became more routine than it has ever been

I parked in emergency parking on more than one occasion at the hospital

I didn’t feel guilty

I felt like a crappy mom every time I walked out of that hospital without him leaving him alone for the nurses to take care of

I felt like a crappy mom every time I walked out of my house without the four big boys leaving them home without me

he kept his feet crossed the entire time

he didn’t wear clothes

he loves to be swaddled, loves his pacifier and loves his dino eye cover and would probably still love Fentanyl if he was allowed…

all funny little comforts learned in the NICU

my co-workers would text me pictures of Huck in the middle of the night

new co-workers were introduced to Huck every shift

he was famous

my co-workers bought me lunch every day

I love hospital cafeteria food

my daily chats with them were amazingly therapeutic even though they were about nothing

 

the NICU is supposed to be quiet, sometimes it wasn’t

I pumped every two hours around the clock

the boys all got a lesson in breast feeding

my milk came in

the boys spilled my first four ounces of milk

the puppy licked it up off the floor

I cried (over spilled milk)

I brought in little bottles of frozen milk to the NICU every day

even though he wasn’t able to drink it

I felt like the queen of the NICU or the guest of honor

I was greeted like a celebrity every time I entered

The staff was incredible

The took amazing care of Huck and agreed with me every time a proclaimed that he was the cutest baby ever

school started

 

after several days Huck could recognize the soft click of my camera and learned to pose

he had the same hair as the neonatologist

they very slowly began to feed him through his NG tube

he got 9 ml every 4 hours

I pumped 240 ml every 2 hours

calculating that made me leak

the dog is obsessed with breast milk

it’s gross, I’ll spare you the details

I loved chatting with the NICU nurses

they all commented on the photos of Huck’s big brothers

 

his every breath and heartbeat were monitored

I tried not to watch the numbers on the screen

I tried not to watch the numbers on the screen of another baby as he repeatedly coded

he still breaths too fast

Huck was one of the biggest babies in the NICU

Huck was one of my smallest babies

 

on day eight Huck wore clothes for the first time

it was a brown bear sleeper, he liked it

a co-worker shielded Huck from view of the protective (but absolutely incredible) nurses for five seconds

just long enough that I could scoop him up and nuzzle him into my neck and smell his puffy hair and squeeze him without getting caught

we quickly tucked him back in and no one noticed

it was amazing

maybe even more amazing than the moment he was born

on day nine I held my Huckleberry for the first time

I cried

I didn’t wipe my tears because the sign says if you touch your face you have to scrub in again and the thought disturbing this incredible moment were too much

I didn’t make eye contact with the mom that was watching me

she wasn’t even supposed to touch her baby yet

I cried more for her

I wanted to talk to her and tell her I was sorry

sorry that I got my turn before she got hers

sorry that by the way it looked, she may not actually ever have a turn

I wanted to look at her but was afraid that with all my emotions and hormones I may not convey the right message to her

 

after ten roller coaster days, we finally came home

I try not to think of the other babies that didn’t get to go home yet

I pray for them and their mothers every night or sometimes when I nurse Huck

weeks later he still sleeps with his heart over his eyes

I haven’t washed them

Huck loves to nurse

nine days of not nursing only made him a better nurser

nine days of not being introduced to his brothers made his brothers very anxious

our homecoming was incredible

Huck was not the first EPIC baby born in the system

Huck was the first EPIC NICU discharge

his brothers love to hold him

Tommy holds him the most

the dog loves him the most

his chest tube dressings had to stay on for five days after discharge

they are off now

he cried while I peeled them off

i wanted to cry as I peeled them off

the dog ate one of them

he will forever have his scars as reminders

the doctor says Huck is thriving

we have made up for lost time

nursing and cuddling are at the top of my to do list every day (and night)

more pictures will come but that requires actually setting him down

something I am not prepared to do yet

he is crying now and wants to be nursed

a little something happened last week…

a little someone made his debut…

 

 

a little bit of a dramatic entry as he was rushed off to the NICU with some breathing issues…

 

 

a little bit strange telling people I have five boys when for so long it’s been four…

 

 

a little bit of chaos as his arrival coincided with the first week of school…

 

 

 

a lot of love from all his brothers who anxiously wait and ask every ten minutes when we will be bringing home their little brother…

 

 

 

We hope to bring him home in a week or two but for now we just count our blessings that he is headed in the right direction and every day we make little NICU baby steps of progress.