therapy

I say it time and time again, blogging is my therapy. Not blogging is like skipping out on those appointments and hiding from my therapist when I see him in the grocery store (if I had one). Skipping these therapy appointments creates a snowball effect. I need the therapy so bad I can't fit all my issues into one session or blog post so I decide it's too overwhelming and I just put it off one more day adding more and more issues each minute. Pretty soon I'm snowballing down the hill so fast that I can't even stop, straighten my skirt and get a proper perspective on things.

So here I am a snowball that's rolled down an eight mile hill the last few weeks and is teetering on the edge of a cliff. Should I do it? Should I jump or should I trudge back up that hill again and get back on track? By jumping I certainly mean nothing of the likes of suicide, maybe financial suicide, but not the actual death type.

Every time I take a new job, I'm always weighing out the pros and cons in my head. This job's got great benefits, but the pay sucks, this job will open up huge opportunities down the line, but the hours suck, this job is fulfilling, but the kids sit in daycare 30 hours a week and so on.

Over the last few months with my latest endeavor, I find myself having trouble with the pros and cons scale. I keep trying to convince myself that this is what's best for my family. We need benefits; this will open up great opportunities (assuming it doesn't kill me, although it comes with a decent life insurance policy). On the other hand, there are some really dark sides to this job. It seems to bring out the worst in me. I'm stressed. I'm ugly when I'm stressed; I'm not fun to be around. I lose my endless patience and tend snap easier. I lose my compassion for my spouse. If I have to hear one more Fed Ex story I'm going to vomit in my mouth. What a horrible wife, I tell myself. I lose my sense of humor which kills me. I become mentally unavailable to those who I should always be available to. I stop petting my cats. How sad. And this is just what happens when I'm stressed. I feel guilty too. Guilt comes with motherhood I know, but these days, I suck as a wife, I suck as a mom, I'm even a crappy cat mom. There are other more tangible factors like how much it costs to put four boys in daycare vs. how much my paycheck is at the end of the week and how about the price of gas when you start working five days of week vs. two. Other changes have also been eating away at me as I try to acclimate. Going from hourly to salary has been such a learning curve and attitude adjustment and I still don't have figured out. Going from being an expert in my last job to clueless has ripped the confidence rug out from under my feet. Maybe it's just a lot of information to understand, but it often feels like lots of inconsistencies and snap judgments being made. The lack of control raises my blood pressure. Needless to say, this job has not brought out the best in me like I imagined it would.

It makes me wonder if this is just an effort on GOD's part to let me know that I have no business trying to play the working girl part right now. He knows how difficult it is to get me to hear anything. I'm sure on my file upstairs; there is a big red stamp that reads non-compliant or poor listener. Remember the surrogate pregnancy (it took a hurricane and a surprise fetus of my own to get me to change my mind) and my plans on having just two children? You see how that worked out. He had to work really hard but I finally listened. I've seen GOD at work in other areas to. It's just sometimes hard to decipher if this is a test of my determination as a corporate working girl or GOD shouting at me to jump over that cliff and trust in him that I will be safe and taken care of in the valley of stay home moms.
It's really scary to think about living without the comforts of a two income house. But it’s just as scary to think of a crazed lunatic raising four boys, stressed and worn down. Staying home would mean a little less money, a lot less health insurance, some social confinement and some big shoes to fill. I'm trying to avoid a grass must be greener on the other side of that fence approach and am well aware that by nature, I'm not your standard incredible stay home mom. I've done it briefly, very briefly before between school and jobs, but it's been awhile. I really have to work at being one of the good ones.

I struggle today thinking of the commitments I've made to this team I'm working with and the commitments I've made to GOD, my husband and my children. Is selfish to work full time and throw the majority of my time and energy into some product (maybe important to the rest of the country's health care) but not directly related to my family. Or is it expected that I put on my big girl pants, juggle mommy time and work time, quick whining and go bring home some money?

We get one chance to live this life correctly and I guess I'm not sure that I have made to correct choices. I've been trying to keep all of this in mind over the last few weeks telling myself it's gonna get better. But how long can this be my mantra? I feel like I'm giving my all and allowing this new position to suck the blood out of me and it's still not enough. I've never tried so hard and had so few results (well weight loss might fit into this same category). I wake up each morning and decide either, I'm gonna go full force today and prove to myself that I can do this even if it consumes me I will be successful or, please GOD, let me just get through this day, hour by hour and I'll reassess tomorrow. Most days I feel like I am swimming against the current and through the rapids and up the waterfall with piranhas biting off my fingers and toes as I swim along. It would be much easier to turn around and jump in the canoe, provided by GOD of course, put on my life vest and my SPF 50 sunscreen and pull out my picnic lunch while I slowly float down stream. I realize that staying home has a whole set of hardships that come with it, but at least I would be spending those days strengthening my bonds with my children and pouring my love and attention into something deserving, maybe not grateful, but deserving of all that blood and sweat.

I have had real health problems too, like a sinus infection that will not go away. I doubt that anyone has ever been recorded as having a stress induced sinus infection, but I am a firm believer that stress hampers the immune system. My blood pressure has been up each time I trek into employee health for more antibiotics. I've also been plagued with headaches, probably from staring at computer screens for eight hours a day, an unfortunate new job requirement. That makes blogging all the less appealing too; I really have no desire to pick up the stupid computer when I walk through my front door anymore.

So GOD, if you're still following my blog, please feel free to comment and tell me how you feel. I think I hear you, but want to make sure it's not just my imagination. I know Suze Orman would call this a stupid financial decision, but remind me that she's not sitting at the gates of heaven with a guest list. In fact, is there a minimum credit score to get into heaven these days too? Just checking, I wouldn't want to screw that up too. But please give me some answers. It's dangerous to keep an eye out for signs everywhere I look. That license plate says mom, that must mean I should stay home, that song said to never give up, I guess I should stay in this job as it's bound to get better if I through a little more of myself into it.

Scott is ready to support me either way. He's never done that before. That means one of two things, either, GOD is speaking through him and it's a clear sign or he is so sick and tired of coming home to a worn down short tempered awful wife that he's as desperate as I am for a change.

When things in my life get ugly, I sometimes cope by fantasizing. Daydreaming of leaving this job and plunging into stay home mom world are really tempting, but dangerous. I only allow myself for a moment to picture finger-painting all day long outside with the boys and teaching them life skills like how to sort laundry (even though I don't actually know this myself, but we'd learn together I tell myself). I just allow myself really small glimpses as a self-soothing technique when I feel like crying which I made myself swear I would never do at work again. It really works well for me. But it can also become a self-fulfilling prophecy really quickly. I don't want to get stay home mom tunnel vision and forget all of the great things about this job. Been there done that. Bought a very expensive dog this way... twice. Imagine petting a sleepy floppy puppy, letting him curl up in your lap, keeping all of his puppy toys in a really functional, but decorative little basket and pretty soon, I'm calling Scott to tell him about the new addition to our family. Then weeks later, begging a friend to take this same puppy and give him a home because he's destroying ours. So my tunnel vision experiences have taught me to be very careful and play my cards right.

Best case scenario, all this stress blows over as soon as I reach the top of this stupid endless dangerously steep learning curve. Worst case scenario, this stress and the inconsistencies continue and I burn out and my family suffers but I continue to fight the fight and I lose all my hair and I buy a really bad permed wig and think it looks good because secretly I kind of like perms and my poor kids continue to suffer from worsening neglect and Scott gets fed up and takes the kids, and convinces the courts that clearly I'm an unfit mother treating my job as my baby, neglecting my children and the judge will agree once he sees my bad wig.

So maybe there's a reason I still can't walk in high heels and still can't figure out how to keep five different schedules up to date and still don't know Excel and still feel guilty about claiming to sort of understand it and still hate Share Point and still can't seem to fit into all of these corporate ladder climbing people, maybe I'm just not one of them and it's time I recognize that and fall into place where I belong. Is that it? Is that what I'm really supposed to be doing? Gardening barefoot and finger painting and volunteering at church and homeschooling (I will regret letting this slip later, just a consideration) and using my GOD given talents on his intended audience. I'm thinking that my file upstairs probably doesn't say

Intended Pathway: Credentialed Epic Trainer

I don't know what to do, but I do know that these days my head hurts and my shoulders hurt and my teeth hurt from the stress I'm carrying and my lap top is scorching my legs from writing such a long blog. I have no intention on posting this, just a great way to get all my thoughts out and organize them so they stop eating away at my poor little peanut of a brain. None the less, I'll spell check it and glance at the grammar, not too close because that's my style and italicize a couple of things and click that post button because I always do. It's powerful to dump out the depths of your soul to the universe. Dangerous sometimes when family realizes that you've gone off the deep end and employers stumble across your blog and label you as a flight risk, but this whole dumping my problems on the world works for me the way the rain washes all the gunk off the sidewalks. It doesn't come without risks, but the advantage of moving forth with a clean slate and a better perspective are worth it and because I always walk into battle with my heart on my sleeve and because I am mostly a transparent and very honest person and because I firmly believe in the power of the run on sentence.

I will make no decision impulsively, (unless absolutely necessary for dramatic effect) and am continuing on in fact gathering mode weighing the pros and cons. I need to gather information that supports both causes and try to make an educated decision. I need to think about how each decision will affect all those around me and do the least amount of damage to my relationships, finances and my life expectancy.

So here I am that snowball teetering on the edge of that cliff waiting for the wind to blow one direction or another. No, begging for GOD to blow me one way or the other. But also sitting here, strangely calm knowing I have the full support of my tireless husband. You can stay home and we'll be poor and happy or you can continue on and maybe struggle a little, but maybe get to a really great place and have this wonderful opportunity present itself after this project is complete. I'm in this for the long haul (he says this without seeing the permed wig I have picked out), but he says I have his support. Never in my life has it felt more touching to hear those words. Never before has it meant so much. Never before have the consequences of each decision been so great. Either decision will be the right one and either decision will be the wrong one. People will be disappointed with way. I can think of inspirational quotes that support either decision. I can think of supporting evidence for either decision. I can think of family members that would love to give their two cents on either decision. I can think of family members that wish I would stop asking for their two cents every hour of the day and probably one that's out of two cents completely because I call her every time they make me cry.


As you can see, I've been avoiding my therapist and I'm lucky I gathered my thoughts today.



Blow wind blow...