grieving…

we’re grieving today.  i say we, but in actuality, it’s only me.  huck has no idea that as we snuggle and stare at each other in the darkness of my bed tomorrow morning at 5:30 am it will be our last time nursing.  get a grip i remind myself and stop exaggerating.  technically, it will be our last time nursing for the next 10 hours or so. we will most certainly resume as soon as i return home.  i will pump at work and no doubt nurse him the minute i pick him up from miss tammie possibly on her sofa right in the living room but for sure as soon as i get him in the truck.  on a side note, vehicle manufacturers have definitely not taken nursing mothers into consideration when building vehicles.  although perhaps if i lost 50 pounds or so baby huck would fit a bit better between myself and the steering wheel.  moving on.  tomorrow i go back to the land of the cubicles and the outlook calendars. 
as i go through today i am savoring each precious act as the routine i’ve so carefully choreographed is going to be retired.  today is the last show.  we will never again perform this dance.  i bought a front row ticket for today’s show so i can commit to memory each and every act that i’ve grown to love. tomorrow a new show, far from being perfected,  will be performed.  dress rehearsals have not gone super well so far.  huck does not enjoy his practice bottle each morning and we’ve unsuccessfully attempted to make it to the bus stop twice just for practice.  this could be a bit bumpy.  i have the skeleton of tomorrow’s show written, but it needs a bit of tweaking and all of the dancers are a bit anxious and the choreographer is an emotional wreck so if you happen to be in the audience tomorrow please cut us some slack. 
in the meantime today i grieve…
goodbye two hour nursing sessions cuddling with huck and my auggie doggie
hello two hour planning meetings with my co-workers

goodbye silly lunches of warmed up leftovers, one big plate with two forks, one for me and one for my favorite three year old
hello brown bag i haven’t missed you

goodbye “old trusty” my laptop that burns my knees and is missing the shift key and the c key (someone asked the other day why i don’t ever use capital letters when i blog anymore, now you all know)
hello real computer with all keys intact and even an extra monitor (extra monitor, i promise to get to know you a little better this time, maybe i’ll even learn how to wake you up)

goodbye nursing marathons and spending my time topless for the majority of the day
hello blouses, it’s been awhile and say hello to shoes with heels, i think there’s a reunion in our future

goodbye dog whisperer, pioneer woman, tyler florence, and all cast members of the chew  it’s been nice knowing you
hello ashley (one of my best cube mates) i’ve missed you and have so much gossip to catch up on

goodbye chubby little cheeks and super powered little suction mouth
hello hard plastic pump you make nursing seem like a chore and i do not look forward to our upcoming sessions

goodbye mailman, ups, traveling religion people and all neighborhood dog walkers.  you will probably think i moved because you will never see me again
hello supervisors, co-workers, copy machine repair guy and frat boys (they have a special table in the break room) you probably thought they fired me

goodbye mid morning baths and afternoon naps.  it’s been amazing
hello mid morning meetings and afternoon projects

goodbye casual (think really casual) attire
hello underwire, underwear and shoes

goodbye searching for hours for the one and only sharpened homework pencil
hello office supply room

goodbye craigslist, pinterest and other complete time sucking websites
hello outlook email, citrix and sharepoint

goodbye broken, ugly but functional, soft comfy green rocker recliner
hello fairly uncomfortable rigid standard issue rolling office chair

goodbye parent drop off family
hello early morning bus stop family

goodbye fussy hour when i let you use my breast as a pillow because you don’t really want to eat, but just want to be near them
hello…  hmmmm…
sorry, i just had a realization.
this is why they say writing is therapeutic i suppose.  i have been anxious for weeks knowing this day was coming.  i have been crying on and off today knowing that this day was coming but as i type this out and process my thoughts i realize that the tears only come when i mention the nursing.  interesting… 
diagnosis: anxiety related to the loss of nursing during the day
prescription: nurse huck as often as possible while with him
                     pump while at work on a schedule to keep milk supply up
                     quit crying and blogging about your breasts (this could prove to be embarrassing down the road)

i love being my own therapist not only because i’m frugal but because i am so dang good at it! 
so today i grieve… over the final showing of a production i kind of liked a lot.  in a week or two i’m sure we will all be adjusted and carrying on the way we always do.  the tears will be gone or at least being shed over something else.   this is a show i feel i could have starred in for the rest of my life…
and now on broadway:

MATERNITY LEAVE

STARRING ERIN

(AND HER FAMOUS BREASTS)

sorry if you missed this show.  please be sure to buy tickets for our upcoming appearances though and for those faithful season ticket holders (GOG bless you)… i’m sure you won’t be disappointed as our next show, a comedy,

 

ERIN, WORKING GIRL

 

promises to be hilarious.  watch as a mother of five attempts to hold down a full time job, a household, five boys, a multitude of extracurriculars and her sanity.

coincidence… or not

Having Huck start off his life in the NICU meant complete chaos for the first two weeks of his life.  Having him home for the last few weeks I have finally been able to process and digest the amazing series of events that lead to the day I could finally bring him home.  Nursing a baby gives one time to think and staring down at a sweet little baby generally makes one think about… well… that sweet little baby.  Huck’s conception, pregnancy and most of all birth were riddled with coincidences, serendipity and an amazing alignment of the stars none more fascinating than this one.

 

somewhere in south florida

on the third floor of a children’s hospital

in a nicu

a little baby hibernated in his isolette

the baby was stressed

the heart to heart program was implemented

thought was given to determine what fabric would be best suited for the baby

he was given two very special flannel hearts

the hearts were to be scented by his mother’s breast

he wore his heart over his face every day as he grew stronger and stronger

meanwhile…

somewhere in missouri

several hundred miles away

in a very busy house

a mother of three sat at her sewing machine

news had traveled that a baby had been added to the ever budding family tree

blessed with the skills and patience to sew

she created a very special blanket

she stitched with love and grace

once finished, she packaged it and shipped it south

 

somewhere in south florida

in a pink house

a baby just released from his cocoon in the nicu was very sleepy

his mother swaddled him in a very special blanket while tucking him in

next she placed a very special heart over his face

then her jaw dropped in sheer amazement

tears threatened to spill over the mother’s eyes

overcome with emotion and the presence of GOD’s hand

she smiled and tucked in her baby swaddled in his very special blanket with his very special heart covering his eyes

 

 

Thank you Pam and Deanna for surrounding my baby Huck with love and for allowing all you do to be guided by the hand of GOD. 

help, I've become my father

teenagers embarrass easily

i was embarrassed more often than not when i went out with my family during my very bizarre teenage years

if it wasn't the dilapidated car we were driving it was my sister’s haircut (think butchy mullet here) or our family's obvious lack of social skills

the worst by far was something we dubbed highway shopping

driving along and we would notice something up ahead on the side of the road in the trash or having been lost from a moving vehicle

sometimes we would offer a distraction or simply hold our breathes hoping we could pass by without stopping

but inevitably, my dad would point, comment, and pull on over to check out a diamond in the rough kind of treasure that had been spotted

we would slink down in the back seat praying that no one we knew would happen to be driving by

mortified that my dad would actually stop his car and get out just to salvage something so seemingly silly, some piece of worthless garbage

seven feet of garden twine, a bicycle rim, a dented watering can… the list goes on

the best, or worst i suppose, was a dead porcupine that was to be salvaged for his quills that would be used in a crafting project at some point in the future

MORTIFYING

but apparently not mortifying enough

because…

today, roughly 15 short years later, i am far worse than he ever was

luckily i have boys and they love to get involved, not embarrassed in the least

the only one in this family that’s offended by my highway shopping ways is Scott, poor Scott (but not actually too poor because I save him a lot of money this way, or so I tell him)

driving through the bus stop neighborhood the other day I found this little gem…

It was in rough shape.  solid wood but a bad paint job several years ago and some bad care for several more had left their mark.  I wasted no time tossing him in the back of my truck and also took the matching pair of Dell computer speakers.  I did refrain from the tempting pair of size 8 bowling shoes though.  Gotta save something for the other scrappers you know.

Once home I unloaded my table and examined it.  The brand name on the bottom and a quick Google search confirmed that some silly person had once spent over $100 on this little table.  Worth far less now, it was time to get dirty and reclaim some of the value that this table once had.

I started with a bleach and water scrub down to clean and disinfect as I always do.  Then some time to dry in the sun.  I am convinced that bleach and sun kill almost anything.  It always make me feel better anyway. 

Next step was to give it an overall coat of off white spray paint.

I sanded some rough spots and gave it one more coat and then sanded some more.

 

My little table really started taking on the look I had imagined however, it looked to clean and too new to fit in with my household so I roughed him up a bit.

 

I aggressively sanded the sides and corners simulating years of wear and stylish tear until i achieved a shabby chic look that satisfied me.  This is a fantastic technique that can be used to make the real existing flaws blend in and appear to be the look you are going for. 

 

  

I was so proud that I made Scott come out and marvel at how clever I was for repurposing this table and how skilled I was for making it look new again and then old at the same time.  i only sent him back in the house when he pointed out that I should be working on a few more of my finds so that he can have his carport back. 

The little table that was destined for the landfill now serves our family room with great style and new purpose. 

we’re watching you

 

 

I’ve often thought I’d make a fabulous undercover detective.  I’m super observant, believe I could keep a low profile, but most of all I am super observant.  We are officially the nosy neighbors of the neighborhood now.  some of these skills must have been genetic because the boys report to me on all neighborhood happenings. 

“Guess what the squirrel lady is throwing out?” 

“Mom, come look at what the girls are doing in the back yard.” 

“Look Dad, we’re watching the same show as the neighbors.” 

 

If you live near me you may be surprised to know how much I actually know about you and your family.  In my defense, it’s not my fault that i have my own little pack of TMZ reporters that gather information on you daily.  in case you’re not quite as snoopy as us, here’s a little peek into what’s going on in our house:

 

 

Scott painted the little boys’ room

I haven’t painted my toes in weeks and really need a pedicure

Petey has transitioned through his potty training regression and is back on track

The dog has started his potty training regression and is on my last nerve

I have one week to work really hard and get my house in shape before going back to work

I have one week to sit and snuggle with Huck before going back to work

I love being a stay home mom

I hate being a stay home mom

Scott brought me to the thrift store yesterday

Scott brought me to a funeral yesterday

Tommy proclaimed that he wants to be a priest several days ago

Tommy was the 2nd worst behaved in church yesterday

i only have two things on my grocery list this week

I have a hundred things on my to do list this week

I can’t wait to catch up with my co-workers

I can’t think about leaving Huck

I have a sinus infection again

I have a baby nursing while i type again

I am starting the Flylady program

I am quitting the hot lunch program

I have decided I can and should refinish furniture

I have decided that I should hide the unfinished projects from Scott

I am supposed to be doing the dishes right now

I am not supposed to be blogging right now

I have to start wearing something other than sports bras and pj’s

I had a nice little chat with my sister the other day

I need to have a nice little chat with my dad… soon

I am learning about NFP

I am teaching fourth grade religion classes

I am missing my orange cat Elliott

I am missing my debit card

I got my haircut

I got my contract at work extended

i love burping my baby

i do not love burping my baby at three am

I know most of the neighborhood gossip

i am probably the neighbor most gossiped about

I know alot about you

now you know a little about me.

shopping cart

 

 

1 bad apple

clumsy photographer walking on eggshells

the kiss

     

the finn

 

waiting

 

loyal

 

buy on get one free

 

caged

 

pouty

sensitive

 

feisty

 

twenty

chicken legs

island exploring

islands are made for exploring and so they explore

 

 

rocks are made for skipping and so they skip

 

 

 

sons are made for photographing and so I photograph

 

 

brothers are made for bonding and so they bond

 

 

pokey horseshoe crabs are made for touching and so they touch

 

 

islands are made for exploring and we love to explore

 

We’re island bound tomorrow.  The boys are excited to spend an extra night at the cottage this Labor day weekend.  I hope to spend some time out on the water and let Huck try out his new life jacket.  We’ll probably hang out on the boat in the shade while the big boys do some exploring, swimming and fishing.  Hope you all get to spend some time with your families this weekend as well.

Huckleberry

As I drove home from school drop off number one yesterday morning I made a to do list on the back of a Behr paint chip.  You know the one that helps you decide what color you should paint your room?  I had settled on Mississippi Mud the day before.  My list yesterday included all sorts of ugly projects.  I like to call these the alligator projects because they’re usually just about as fun as dealing with an alligator and I usually avoid them just the same.  These are the ones that Scott nags me about just before we go to bed.  He feels better as he gets it off his chest and I can lay there and stare at the ceiling and feel anxious about all the stuff I have to deal with the following day.  Not exactly a win win.  By the time I pulled in the driveway the list had covered the back side and was spilling over onto the front.  Yuck.

As I nursed Huck and found an episode of Barney on the DVR for Peter I made an executive decision to leave the to do list in my burby, as the boys have lovingly named my Suburban, and make a new one.  It only included two tasks.  Number one: take photos of Huck and number two: take a nap.  Sounds do-able I thought.  I can probably squeeze both of those in as long as I focus and manage my time. 

For task number one I enlisted the help of my photography assistant.  Petey (still only three, so we’ll call him my amateur photo assistant) loyally followed behind me trying to keep up with my rather long list of requests.  Go get your beanbag chair and put it in the front yard.  Also, go in my bedroom and find Huck’s dino heart, his dino blankie, his car seat cover, both swaddling blankets and his little sock monkey.  I’ll meet you in the front yard.  I grabbed the dog, this would prove to be a mistake later, and the baby and headed out.  Ten minutes and four trips later, Peter had finally drug the last item down the driveway and through the front yard. 

As I glanced at the burby, I remembered the ugly to do list sitting on the dash.  I justified my change in plans by reminding the responsible half of my brain that Huck will only be this age once and this phase must be documented.  After all, what kind of a mother would I be if I didn’t have a billion pictures of my brand new baby?

And so went the morning shooting, and adjusting, and adding props, and ordering around my favorite little assistant.  The assistant had just eaten something chocolate and had the evidence smeared all over his face.  It was difficult making sure he didn’t have any actual contact with the model, or rub his face on any of the props and most certainly didn’t appear in any of the photos because what kind of a mother would I look like then?

I justified as the shoot progressed.

 

 

I must document these feet now because baby feet are precious but ten year old boy feet stink.  In fact, this year we have a new rule, after school when I pick you up you must keep your shoes on until you get home.  Only then can you remove them and reveal your terribly stinky feet.  It’s just too much to handle in a confined area.

 

 

 

I must document these precious chubby cheeks.  He may not have them for long, or worse he will and believe me, there is nothing precious about having chubby cheeks at age 30.  I’m living proof.

 

 

 

I must document this stage where he will fall asleep anywhere even when abandoned under a tree.  Narcolepsy is a short lived phase and most of us grow out of it.

 

 

 

I must document him with his favorite toy because at this age the toys are actually cute.  There will be nothing cute about his toys in another five years.  Transformers and Legos are never classified as cute.

 

 

 

I must document how flexible his attitude is.  Somehow I know that if I suggested that Gavin allow me to tie him to the front fence so I could take some blog photos he wouldn’t be so compliant.  Compliancy is a quality that my boys quickly outgrow.

 

 

 

I must document how sweet Huck looks in hats and outfits I pick out for him.  Soon he’ll be picking out his own and refusing anything I suggest. 

 

 

 

I must document how adorable his little hands are.  Within a few years they will most likely be chocolate covered like the assistant’s and I will be reminding him to keep his grubby hands off the bakery case at the grocery store and he will have dirt under his fingernails.

 

 

 

I must document all his innocent little gestures.  I know this may look like “Stop taking my photo” but I assure you he has no idea what he is suggesting… yet.

 

 

 

I must document his little chicken legs, no scars, scrapes or bruises.  In a year or two it will be road rash and band aids and battle scars.  

 

 

I must document his ability to fit into a sling.  It doesn’t take long and he will be way too big.  Although Finn still begs to be in the sling.  There’s nothing precious about carrying a four year old with a drooly mouth and a snotty nose in a sling that positions his face about two inches from mine. 

 

Our photo shoot went smoothly for the most part although I did cause one school bus to not only stop but back up to get a better look when the nosy driver noticed a newborn hanging on my white picket fence.  Huck was not impressed with the heat so we retreated to the house to cool down and check off the next task on our list, the nap. 

 

 

Once again I must document these tiny little kissable toes now because we all know what they will turn into. 

Stinky, sweaty, sock fuzz covered boy feet.

27 days

i’ve been out of my mom’s belly for 27 days

today she took some photos of me…

weird photos

i cried because it was too hot out

i like all my big brothers

some more than others

i love to nurse

my dog loves to curl up by me when i nurse

i am anxious about my mom going back to work

the dog ate all my pacifiers

my mom kept them up high, but no one else understood this rule

my house is loud

i almost slept through the night last night

i’ll be sure to make up for it tonight

i had my first real bath a few days ago

i didn’t like it

i hated the drying off and lotion part even more

i have a normal belly button now

i like to sleep with the fan on

my mom will probably regret this the first time we have to sleep somewhere without a fan

i wish i could hold my head up

i’m tired of having a floppy neck

when people ask what my name is my mom has to repeat herself a lot

sometimes she envisions saying “You know, it rhymes with …”

Luck (I hope you didn’t think of anything else)

i’ve been out of my mom’s belly for 27 days

today she took photos of me…

weird photos

 

blessed but bored

So hurricane or should I say tropical storm Isaac was a complete miss for us.  I remind myself to be thankful.  We had a rather beautiful day, breezy but beautiful.  Storm surge, flooding,  gusty winds? 

None of the above. 

We had an uneventful day of shopping, painting the boys bedroom, cooking split pea soup and fighting over the one computer in our house that will actually connect to the internet.  The boys spent a great deal of the day outside playing with friends and inside wrestling with the dog.

I had my camera on my lap ready to capture the craziness that passing hurricanes can sometimes bring, but this was the most exciting shot I could get.  Note the nine mile per hour gust I have captured here.  The predicted gusts were about ten times as fast and never actually showed up although this did not stop our local news reporters from pretending that they had.  We spend a fair amount of time sitting on the sofa giggling while we watched our local weathermen dressed in their parkas reporting from the beach locations. 

Wanted to let you all know we are safe and sound and praying for New Orleans that they can get as lucky as us.

if you give your husband the camera

If you send your husband up north with all the little boys for a week long boys vacation…

He’ll probably ask for your camera…

You’ll probably be a bit hesitant because keeping track of four boys alone is an incredible responsibility but keeping track of the camera you could never afford to replace is a bit scary…

Your fears will be confirmed when he calls from the airplane to let you know that he forgot the camera in the terminal and the airline staff will not allow him to exit the plane to go back for it…

You will say a prayer later thanking GOD for the lovely Allegiant flight attendant that offered to go back into the terminal to locate it…

You’ll breath a sigh of relief when you receive confirmation that he has arrived up north at the cottage with all four boys and the camera is accounted for…

You’ll probably shake your head when he announces several days later that he has agreed to take his niece's senior pictures for her…

Even though you have very limited camera experience, he has none you might remind him…

You’ll probably consider texting your niece and asking her not to get her hopes up too high…

When he arrives home and you pull out the camera to download the photos, you’ll probably mentally prepare the conversation you’ll have with your niece…

“Honey, you have to understand he is not a photographer, yes it’s a nice camera, but that can only help so much… I’m sorry”

And then, the images will fill up your screen and you’ll shake your head…

What???

 

 

 

 

 

They will turn out fabulous…

Maybe it was the great camera…

or the awesome scenery…

or the beautiful photogenic model…

or the universe’s way of proving you wrong every time you make a declaration about someone else’s abilities…

 

You’ll do a bit of editing and then shake your head as you hit send and email 62 great shots to your eagerly awaiting niece…

So, if your husband asks for the camera today, go ahead and give it to him, you may be pleasantly surprised.  

be ready be safe

The warnings have blasted us for days.  Hurricane Isaac is coming.  There’s always part of me that hates all the hype.  We have to wait in line at gas stations and grocery stores run out of water.  Today, Home Depot ran out of flashlights.  It’s annoying and the panic lasts for days.  It wreaks havoc, but is part of living in Florida.  I remind myself that of all the natural disasters, at least with hurricanes you have an advanced warning. 

Then there’s the darker part of me that always hopes it comes near.  Maybe not a direct hit, but close enough to be exciting.  Sick I know.  It’s obvious that I have never gone through a hurricane like Charley, Andrew or Katrina.

So today, we prepared.  Not only did we have to prepare our house, but we headed out to the cottage to tidy things up and prepare for the storm.  Of course we had a lazy breakfast of donuts and strata at a quaint little bakery we recently discovered.

 

 

Some of us ran around and put things away…

and some of us took imaginary canoe adventures on the high seas…

and some of us snuggled in the cottage and caught up on Housewives of Atlanta while under the pretense of nursing the baby…

 

This will be our first hurricane as Florida boat owners.  We took advice of a well seasoned island neighbor and cranked up the boat higher than usual, removed anything that could potentially blow away including the cover and added some ropes in the event that the storm surge floats the boat off the lift.  Hmmm… if a storm surge rose that high, the boat would most likely be the least of our concerns. 

After comparing to another islanders handy work I suggested that Scott might spend some time working on his nautical knot skills.  The boys are joining scouts this year, maybe this is something they cover. 

 

One of these is not like the other…

The entire island was preparing.  Some celebrate with hurricane parties and some just close up shop.  Plywood over doors is a common scene.

  Big or small, they prepare none the less.

They leave no picnic table unturned.

Even the palms got their last minute hurricane haircuts.  After leaving the island we headed out to check on the old house and then it was home to prepare the new house.  I decided not to stock up on flashlights, batteries and water.  Instead, we got some movie rentals, ketchup and cheese.  In hindsight, this may have been an obvious mistake. 

The rain has started and the wind is blowing through.  Nothing too exciting yet except that school was called off for Monday.  The boys were pleased.

Stay safe and dry and see you on the flip side of this one.